Author: httplesliekay

One word, I could never hear enough of.

One word that means more than 7000 compliments or any paycheck ever could.

Momma.

It holds so much more, to me.

Momma

It brings me back to the time that we were inseparable.

The moment I laid with you when you were burning with fever when I was exhausted and desperately needed sleep myself.

The thousands of books I read to you, over and over, because I knew they would open up your world, as scary as that was to me.

The days I poured into your character instead of choosing to check out. Over and over again, I fought for your character.

The days I refereed for love between your siblings, even when, I never knew who to defend, because my love for all of you, ran too deep.

Eventually, it became the late nights, the music and the tattoos.

The understandings, without words.

Momma, he says, maybe for the last time. “Can you make these signs for my wedding?”

I feel privileged and I also cry.

He is leaving.

And yet, he is arriving.

Momma, will always be echoing in my head, whether I audibly ever hear it again.

Go forth my son and never look back.

May what I was to you, remind you and have given you enough strength to keep moving forward.

This/her/your passions, is all I ever ultimately wanted for you, because I know that’s all you ever really wanted/needed.

Be a leader, but continue to be you, be strong and be soft, never stop seeing her, never stop creating, and never forget that your momma will always be watching 😉 jk. not kidding. Jk. 😝

Love,

Your momma

Staying there was no longer an option.

A breakthrough…

Was it that last fear I had faced, which gave me just enough strength?

Was it that last piece of knowledge acquired, that put all the pieces together?

Was it the job that finally came through?

Was it the willpower to attain those goals?

Was it the healing words or the apologies?

Was it the realization of my inadequacies?

Was it other people who mirrored what I needed to see in myself?

Was it the personal growth and the past that I had finally faced?

Was it the trophies hanging on the walls and doorways?

Maybe it was the sum of all of these?

Or possibly, maybe it was none of these.

Maybe it was just one foot in front of the other.

Or maybe it was all of these, converging together, at the exact moment in time.

I lived, unapologetically, seemingly stagnant, for quite a bit.

A time that was necessary for me.

And I’ll never regret, even one moment, not one of them..

However, there came a time, that I knew, I just knew, I couldn’t stay there.

Staying there, meant giving up all that I had hoped for.

Staying there, no longer, was enough.

However it’s happens, breakthroughs emerge through the hardened, seemingly sealed surface.

While I may not know, for now, how or why, breakthroughs happen, they are never as far off as we believe at times.

Keep going!

Never give up!

The breakthrough/release, that we often never see coming, is well worth the wait/anticipation!

#Heisalwaysworking

Some days, it’s cleaning out the room of one that is gone.

Some days, it’s as small as, an argument, in the grief, of expectations.

Other days, it’s more grandeur; the grief of hopes and dreams that we held, disappearing into the mist.

On occasion, it’s the loss or continued loss, of a loved one.

Too often, it is the memory, intruding.

Rare, but true, their is still grief in those we wouldn’t wish back; an assault, questioning our humanness.

All too often, there is grief in those that we must interact with daily: the lack of leadership or direction, the disappointment of not being heard or validated.

The reality is that, regardless of the situation, miraculously, we all possess, what we need, to keep going.

No matter what our battle is, we are strong enough and more importantly, we have been strong enough.

Just keep going!

He will show you a way, through each, and every, grief!

Grief teaches.

It opens our hearts.

It exposes our needs.

Grief, as painful as it is, it is the doorway to everything we ever needed to know.

Embrace it and value it and then, as quickly as you can, move on and live your life to the fullest!

Because grief, should never has the last word.

Things can change in an instance.

I’ve witnessed this too many times.

We are thanked.

We have a day off.

We are enlightened.

We are accoladed.

We have the ability to exercise.

We see a new side to ourselves.

We experience a wonder of creation.

Or we are simply, loved…

Yet we still, forget, too easily.

Too easily, we feel comfortable again.

We can breathe so…

…the walls go up.

Or maybe, we distance or demean ourselves.

We can even demonize people.

And sometimes, we even justify it, only to our own demise.

My almost 99-year-old grandpa finally went into the hospital after living completely independently on his own up to this point.

Why do we live like this day will never come, but yet, we know it is coming?

I believe it’s the forethought and gratitude of living, loving, serving (the best we can), being present and constant, (despite our fears) that bring us the most joy in the end and continuing afterword.

Regardless of the past, but humbly learning from it, let us all continue to take one step closer to peace, for us all.

Let go, open up, (even just a little) every day and be aware, that every moment, every interaction, as imperfect as it is, is a gift, to teach us, or better yet, grow us (especially to those that matter.)

Every single moment does matter, to someone else and more importantly, to us.

#grief #growth #gratitude #fear #peace #truth #life #perspective

I go about my day, everything feeling fine.

It is fine, it’s even much better than fine. And that’s the truth.

But then then, something reminds me, or something happens and its as though I’m whirled into a different universe.

It feels like what I imagine drowning to be: swirling with the current, unable to find anything to grasp hold of, this/these moment(s) treacherous, yet, after so many repetitions of this; I know now…

…I KNOW, that, I WILL SURFACE!

Because, I am, Somehow, always propelled upward!

While it used to astonish me more, I am learning that this is, the normal flow of life, for every human.

Now that I’ve been able to recover quicker, when coming up for air, I can see that there are more people at the surface, in fact, the waters are covered with them!

Deep breaths, smiles, stories, triumphs and (oh the laughter!).

These sights and sounds melt away the brief memory of the tormented silence of the dark abyss.

It’s the most joyous party! reminding me of heaven. ❤️

We are all at different places, at different times.

Some of us may be under, some of us may be above.

Our timing may be off…

*Yet, we are all in this sea together!

I am so thankful for the moments I can see someone else, under the surface; and that connectedness will never be lost.

I’m also overjoyed when I’m above and can celebrate with those who are in view!

It’s also a rare-ish miracle when there’s a connection beyond these two surfaces; when we can finally get full perspective, when we can be above and still recognize those below. Also, equally miraculous, being under and able to rejoice with those above.

Although we can’t ever fully understand where each one of us are at, we can imagine their struggle and also their joy!

May we all give grace for timing, be understanding and champion each other, through this sea/sport called life!

#grief #celebration #trials #love #freedom #understanding #timing #grace #home

I love you and I hate you.

Your spur me on and yet try to keep me from everything that I truly need.

You present scenarios that freeze me.

(I think of freeze tag as a kid and how hard it was, to physically not move, with all the thoughts running through my head.)

Perfection, you also give me a picture of what could be.

(I think of watching my peers doing something that I did not think that I could do.)

As I’ve grown older, and wiser, I don’t hate you as much.

I know you may not like this, but you are nothing but an inspiration now!

I understand that there is no perfection in life and that means that, unfortunately, you do not truly exist.

You exist, only in our mind, and only for displaying the potential that we all have.

It is up to us for the rest. (We all know this is and I know that you do as well.)

Thank you, Perfection; for pressing in on me, because, without you, I wouldn’t be where I am, I wouldn’t be hopeful, neither would I continue to strive for the imperfectness of reality, that brings me more joy than I ever imagined!

It’s in the imperfections, where life is found, where life grows, and where life is lived; It’s pressing through the difficult moments and finding personal growth that ultimately and only, propels us forward.

Imperfections are becoming my greatest value, as difficult as they are to get through, they have brought the highest value into my life. ❤️

I’m sorry, Perfection, but you’ve had your say, and it’s just not that impactful, if I’m being honest. 🤷🏻‍♀️

#perfection#reality#growth#stagnancy#life#grace

Phil 3:12 (ESV) Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own.

Pressures, that build or have been, for years.

Release, knocking down our door.

A way must be found, yes.

Holding, holding, holding, for too long, creates a catastrophe.

Geysers release as needed.

They know their limits.

Waiting too long, releases, too much, at one time.

Pressure will always continue to build.

Often, doing the opposite of what we would like, is actually what releases that pressure.

Sometimes it is doing exactly what we’d like, as long as it’s not hurting anyone.

Often it’s painful; it’s uncomfortable or at least, not familiar enough yet.

Facing the unfamiliar, facing the uncomfortable and doing the opposite is where I have found the most healing, peace, relief or whatever you want to call it.

It’s in those moments, but only, after, that I see, where it mattered and made a difference.

Delayed gratification brings satisfaction; as opposite as it seems.

Immediate striving allows healing; as opposing as it appears.

Doing the opposite, is essentially, committing to climbing that mountain, step by step.

We live in a culture of immediate gratification.

Patience is scarce

And grace is an exception.

Nothing is perfect, nor will it ever be.

Being in a place to accept this and then also move forward, doing the opposite, step-by-step, is where I have found the most joy, healing, and peace.

May we all find a place of release, but slowly, and mindfully, facing our fear and resisting any offense.

2 Corinthians 8:7 But as you excel in everything—in faith, in speech, in knowledge, in all earnestness, and in our love for you—see that you excel in this act of grace also.

-For others, yet, also for ourselves. ❤️

What she missed most, was eating with him.

He unexpectedly passed, four weeks ago. Wow, I simply can’t believe it’s been four weeks, it seems like one.

I called them my Spooners.

Often, I would walk into the room and they would be laying in their bed literally spooning each other. They loved each other, deeply and physically, to the very end.

Other times, I would walk in, they would be sitting in their chairs, right next to each other and most often, I couldn’t get a word in, because all they could do was interupt, each and every conversation, in order to give each other a compliment!

I guess this is what happens when you get to the end.

You start to see everything, much more clearly, and all you want to do is to tell someone, anyone, that that person means so much to you.

Today I was able to intercept her meal from the kitchen, only because of the most gracious and understanding kitchen workers. (There’s a rhyme and rhythm to feeding 40 people at one time, let me tell you!).

So, throwing a cog in the wheel, I requested it, yet, only because I knew that it would matter.

I grabbed her meal tray, entered her room, sat in her late husbands chair, of course never presumptuous (as she has expressed, “that it would be nothing but a huge blessing!”).

I simply sat with her, prayed beforehand, at her request, ate a meal, conversed, and then… I was the one blessed with her very long prayer, to end her evening! 😉❤️

She had had visitors today and although she was exhausted from just that, she was also so incredibly thankful for her family!

Many do not even get one visitor and we joked about how over-loved she is!

And yet all I can say is that….

….it is all of these little things that ultimately add up.

Yes, it is the visits, yes it is the person that is filling, the oh so canyon void, along with so much more.

However, may we never forget the little things that we do and at the same time understand that’s it’s not all on us!

It’s takes a village.

When we all play our part, everything flows like a well-oiled machine, even in the midst of the utmost grief.

Never underestimate your own role or underestimate the role of others. ❤️

When you reach a depth of pain; that you never knew was possible, it’s overwhelming.

It makes me so happy for the people that have never experienced this level and I pray to God that no one else, ever does.

Our inherent nature wants to place blame somewhere, but honestly, there’s always enough blame to go around and like a tightly woven tapestry, we will never be able to separate it, as hard as we try.

Attempting to do this only creates more pain and more division.

Yes I can feel angry for the things that were done to me, even if I believe they were out of the category of acceptable.

Accepting that “all things work together” is what I cling to every day.

I cling to hope for a brighter future, I strive to grow in understanding myself and beg for mercy for the places I have fallen short, which are many.

I continue to do my best to be loving despite my reality that made me question if love even exists.

However, despite my reality, thank goodness, I’ve witnessed love.

Witnessing/experiencing love makes me believe there may be good and love beyond my experiences and understanding.

Several people in my life have helped me cling to this hope.

They are the heroes that someday will understand their place: behind the scenes, in peoples lives that were wrecked beyond compare and upheld.

We were upheld through the simple act of love: a reminder, a text, an understanding, a note, an encouragement, a thank you, humble advice, a story, a laugh, a recommendation, a kind word, time, or basic connection.

These people make the world continue to revolve, because without love, we would all cease to exist.

These acts of love, each one, have saved numerous lives, that we will not know or understand, the full effect of, until we reach heavens gates. ❤️

Connection holds a gift.

A gift beyond understanding.

A gift that turns your world inside out and upside down.

It hides in the crevices and begs for no attention, yet births forth when given the opportunity.

It waits in the wings.

It knows how much it requires, yet it’s ok with that.

Because it knows it’s value.

Detachment screams, every second, a myriad of lies that it will never confess.

Detachment/Isolation will make us seem secure.

It promises, most certainly, but never delivers. It slowly relishes in watching us die a slow agonizing death.

Detachment’s only goal is to take everything that is life giving.

(Not to say, that we don’t need boundaries. We certainly do need to learn more boundaries that pertain to self care. Yet, self care is what we need to really understand.)

Detachment wants to sabotage any single moment that we don’t deem as ‘good for us.’

Yes, some moments, we do need to say no to. We do need to understand our own needs and when we are simply drained or when we are simply unable to give what is asked.

However in my opinion, self-care never requires more detachment than connection.

It’s been helpful to me to evaluate the scales of what is weighing more predominantly in my life.

Connections can be anything, but they are connections with real people and real experiences.

Although you may know by now that I am a big promoter of being in the outdoors, athleticism, and the arts, however, I have to say that I do not believe we can grow from where we are without human connection as the primary vehicle.

Connection, of any kind, brings more of us to ourselves : it reflects things that we haven’t seen, teaches us things that we haven’t learned and propels us in a ways that we haven’t imagined.

Detachment/Stagnancy, as comforting as it seems, is cancer to our bodies.

Connection/Vibrancy, as difficult as it is, brings life to our decaying soul.

Social media, as great as it is for those of us that live miles away, has also contributed to the lack of true connections: when they are possible, they are more easily dismissed and certainly not fought for.

Social media can give us an easy out.

Not saying that I am good at this, but I believe that the people that matter to me should hear from me personally.

*Connection matters more than we want it to.

*Detachment destroys more than we can see it.

Let’s continue to fight for connection.

Simply because, we were designed for it.

#connection #detatchment #hope