Author: httplesliekay

My favorite sight when I arrived on his doorstep was him greeting me with his giant smile!

This man was absolutely the closest thing to Christ I have ever known, or known was possible!

If there’s a thing called pre-grieving, I did it. I can’t count the times that I told him that I could not handle ‘the day’. The day that the Lord would take him and proceeded to involuntary sob in front of him. Of course, he reassured me that because of the faith we have, we will see each other again.

I never thought I would be able to handle it, but in hindsight, he knew I could, and he saw my faith and strength.

The worst and best is that he distanced himself from me this last year because, I believe, he knew how hard it would be, we talked less often and I could hear it in his voice. After seven years of sharing our hearts and ministering to each other in ways we both didn’t know we needed, he knew it was best for us both.

He was beyond the wisest man I’ve ever known and the greasiest gift that God has ever given me thus far.

My heart is grieving. My thoughts are about him and tears stream randomly, but I’ve never known such a sacrificial love, such a sacrificial man than this..

His love, was, FOR me. To have known this kind of love is beyond understanding .

To say I’m thankful is beyond words.

What I will remember, is his love for the true gospel message of Christ, first and foremost. But I will never forget how we spoke in ways that most would not understand: through the Christmas cactus blooming, through him showing me the bubbles in the sink making a cross, the unimaginable trials he has been through, the songs he would play, through him reading the old, worn tattered verses on the scroll. And so many other daily things. Often, not needing to be direct, but also at the same time, having such an impact.

I won’t forget that what needed he was extremely particular! His shirts had to be just so and every thing was very methodical! I didn’t mind. ❤️

He loved his flowers and anything and everything about them. He loved, saw and was enthralled with creation. He saw God in it all and it gave him resilience to keep going.

I’ll always remember taking him to the grave of his wife and the talks along the way and the tears and stories. I felt very honored to be in that space.

The abundance of tears I have shed, and yet the healing I was graced with, in those four walls for 7+years, every two weeks while I cleaned for him, are worth more than anything life will ever have to offer me.

I spoke to him just a few weeks ago, and of course he pretended that he was fine, but I knew, I just knew it was the last time we were going to talk. 😢 I told him that he had made more of a difference in my life than anyone I have ever known, I sobbed and sobbed.

He was so happy for where I am, but, of course, put on his brave face and told me that he would see me again..soon.

I knew what he meant.

This is connection. This is a gift. This is God. I can’t imagine the blessings He is finally experiencing after all that he has done behind the scenes for Gods glory! I’m behind ecstatic that he with Jesus: pain free, (physically and emotionally) and rejoicing!

#iappreciateyourvalueinmylife #griefisaprocess

A remedy

We all possess.

Victimization, the antonym.

None of us want to characterize ourselves as having a victim mentality, but I truly believe we naturally operate in this mindset more than we would like to believe.

This is not the ‘positivity mandate’ that I’m suggesting.

This is remembering. It goes against our nature but can be overcome with practice.

It’s not stuffing nor is it replacing.

Thankfulness is remembering. Remembering the good.

I have not had what most people would call a normal life. I was brought up with abuse, all around me, of every kind. That is why I believe I can speak to this with integrity.

I believe that whatever the percentages are regarding how much good or bad we’ve had in our life, we all have had more than enough bad, but enough good in our lives to draw strength from.

This is what can allow us to to move forward for our own benefit, and for the benefit of others around us.

I believe negativity and victimization leads to depression and anxiety (*not to discount actual chemical imbalances) however, thankfulness and mindfulness about those things can actually cause a change in the brain and changes in present circumstances.

All of these positive thoughts strewn together can lead us out of the pit of despair at its worst, to a more hopeful or joyful life.

We all have an abundance of past and present moments in this difficult world to build our victim résumé, but what if we turn that around and think the opposite, regardless of how we feel at times?

There’s no possible way I would be where I am today and feel how I feel, without this realization, somehow, forced to acquire, at a much younger age, but it is the very one thing that I treasure most.

I truly hope this is helpful even to just one person. ❤️

With my grandmother’s loss, I felt an immediate and immense loneliness. Scared was the dominate feeling. Just the absence of her presence (not necessarily physically) was what put me into a state of shaky instability. I didn’t or couldn’t trust anyone or anything and certainly not myself. Nothing felt sure anymore. I had no realization of how much I had counted on her: not for advice, consistently, (because I don’t remember asking that often), not for support, (in the tangible way), not even for emotional support, (directly anyway). She never imposed on my life. She was just constant and steady, comforting and available, loving and self sacrificing, and most certainly, it was by her example that I learned all that I never knew was priceless.

However, if I did, if I needed, I knew it/she was ‘there’. I knew she would be spot on and rock solid, no matter what. Once she left this life, I felt as though someone took me to the edge of a cliff at gun point and said “jump”. I faltered and flailed for what seemed like too long but it wasn’t much later until I realized I could actually fly and eventually, I did and did it very well. I had all that I had needed that I didn’t realize I possessed; most certainly, a large amount, due to her.

My brothers death has been utterly and completely different. I feel like a part of me is vapor. There is a substance to me, a solid, that evaporated as he left. He was just always simply there (not in a negative sense at all). He was astonishingly vibrant and life-giving whoever or whatever places he touched. Woefully, it all just feels so wrong because he should, just be….here: here with me, here with our family and certainly here for others.

But life goes on… and while I am truly grateful at times, I completely utterly resent it. I resent the fact that everyone does their own things and talks about their own things and is concerned with often, only, their own things.

While I’ll never do this as well as I’d like, I want to be that someone that remembers: that asks, that checks in, that sends a simple reminder of remembrance, or sits in the puddle together, maybe even throws a chair or two and screams without judgement.

This is healing.

This, I believe, is the type of love that propels and thrusts us forward, sometimes without us even realizing it, whatever type of grief, loss or struggle we are going through.

I was the recipient of this today. A gift of healing. A gift filled with self-care indulgences and a hand written card that filled my soul to overflowing. Forever I’ll be thankful and I’ll never be able to forget.

Whatever grief, loss or struggle you are experiencing I hope you have someone, even just one, that does, any one of these, for you.

I also hope that we can remember those, that at times, need us to be that healing balm. Together, if each one of us would make even one small simple gesture, collectively, it could make a huge impact.

Who might you reach out to today in a way that won’t cost you anything but the joy of knowing that you made a difference? The greatest joy of all. ❤️

I hope my writing has some minute impact or inspired you in any way. Thank you for reading! ☺️

“For the least of these…“ Matthew 25:40

Someone taught me this long ago.

Look up.

When you’ve lost someone, you only want, anyone, to understand your grief and pain. But the truth is, no one ever can fully understand.

I lost my brother and maybe you have too, but you haven’t lost MY brother: everything we’ve gone through, who he was to me, you will never understand.

But someone does understand and that is our Lord and Savior. He understands grief and loss and pain to an infinite degree that we cannot imagine.

The hope of that and the hope of things to come is only what I cling to.

No person, no understanding, no amount of empathy, no experience, can ever fill that void; it can only be found in knowing how much you are loved and known by the One who created you.

Do not look for validation in this world. Peace and joy and love is found in looking up!

Why am I surprised?

You have no regard for humanness.

Even if, even if…there are warning signs, you still, rush in, out of nowhere and demolish us like a hurricane and take us off our feet.

You take away all the security we took for granted.

All the moments that we thought we still had.

You erase them.

You steal them.

You make us almost believe they they weren’t even real: because they’re gone and we believe this. Never to be felt, never to be experienced again.

You try to take even what was real, as we ravage and scramble to store up every memory, believing that if we don’t, they’ll be just a vapor.

Well fuck you grief. I will remember.

I will remember…

…even if it’s through tears and pain.

I will remember, even if I can’t remember right now, I will continue to remember.

First of all I have to say because I know you Will, you will laugh now and you still did when you were here, that you were a spoiled little brat but somehow what came out of that was the most beautiful soul!

•I will remember the Smurf sleeping bag that you used on the couch that was your favorite thing.

I will remember that you woke up in the middle of the night and thought that you were peeing in the toilet and you were peeing on your bed.

I will remember that the bat flying around at dad’s house when we thought we found shelter upstairs on the couch on the floor, peed on my face, was the loudest laughter that I ever heard you laugh.

•I will remember the days on the farm riding four wheelers and snowmobiles together. When you pulled up to the 8 foot cliff and pretended to scare me and thought you had it in reverse and we went flying over the cliff and I broke my arm and you felt so horrible and had human strength to turn the four wheeler upside down.

•I will remember all the things we confided in each other…

*•I will remember that you were always my safe place and my protector that we could say one thing like twin souls and know exactly how the other person felt.

•I will remember that you brought me chicken soup whenever I was sick. Also you would never give me the recipe and I was so mad at you for this.

•I will remember, most of all, that you loved me, no matter how or what I was doing.

•I will remember, most prominently, that you loved my children, which was more love to me than anything else you could’ve done. You poured into their life the best that you could.

•I will remember the last words that I said to you. And that will always be between you and I. 😉☺️

•I will remember all the verses you sent me and I will remember all the confessions and also all the humility that you had.

•I will remember that the character and love and servitude and compassion that you had is all I ever wanted in a man. And I will forever be thankful that I have had that example in a brother.

•Most of all I will remember your faith and how you did not care what anyone thought when you shared your faith unapologetically and I will and do promise to live out that Legacy.

Your funeral was a testimony to that and as cliché as it is, no one will ever really know the lives that you touched through the stories that we heard! 😭

I drive by your street I wish I would’ve stopped in more. I hear a song that you sent me and I wish I could tell you how much it means to me now. The last time you came to my house and brought me a grill to replace my small camping grill will be used until it’s dying day!

It wasn’t our last conversation but it was our last private personal moment and I’ll never forget it. Things we said, the look in your eyes, it’s as though we knew.❤️

You left a legacy, my brother, even through your struggle and pain. You left a message and a legacy that will continue to bear fruit and I promise to carry that torch for you.

I’m so glad you are free! It’s truly the only thing I can cling to that’s given me strength to endure. I’m so beyond words that I emphatically know you are in the arms of Jesus without a care. FINALLY.

Praise the Lord. 🙌🏼. Onward we go. This too shall pass.

Sometimes we don’t know what love is until we’re shown it.

We’re told that God loves us, but until someone actually represents that, it’s very difficult to fully believe, even if, intellectually we understand and believe it.

Love is…

“Can I call you?”

“I miss you”

“Don’t leave, I want to work through this”

“I want to know what you’re feeling and thinking”

It’s also…

Building someone up more than focusing on negatives.

Having your own interests.

Worshiping and serving together and even separate if necessary.

Valuing family time and traditions.

Giving space and being aware of our own need for that.

Making conscious effort to show love in how the other person receives it.

Never projecting, but always first listening to understand, in order to know how to proceed.

Speaking your needs, desires and boundaries in a loving way and being willing to accept that some people may not be OK with that and that’s not something you need to hold.

Ultimately, love is accepting people for where they’re at, but also holding your own boundaries.

-the relationships that naturally flow from those things will become the greatest joy in your life!

There’s enough grief!

Those moments when someone mentions, even just, bread.

I went with my grandma every week to get fresh baked bread, 20+ miles away: smelling it in the truck, learning patience, all the way home until we arrived . She got out her, obviously used, serrated knife and cut the soft loaf, spread the creamy butter and made me a house. I can still hear the sound of the knife hitting the countertop at each tap. She cut a door, an octagon window in the top, a square window in the side and then I would eat it-piece by piece and I did this over and over and over and over for as long as I can remember as a child.

Grief shows up in ways we’re not ready for at times.

Grief shows up because memories are intwined and connected with our world and intended to change us and challenge us.

In my opinion, grief is meant to be felt.

When it is felt, it is released.

When it is felt, it is healed, just a little bit more.

None of us want to feel that pain nor remember that grief, but what we need to remember is that there is good and bad in grief.

Grief emphatically holds so much more blessing that it does pain, if we’re willing to see it.

Grief, any which way, is absolutely the deepest loss but exactly why there’s always more good that we are now able to see that we were blinded to until that pain entered and our eyes were opened.

That, to me, is what grief is about.

We are all human. We were created in His image and I believe that when we’re willing to enter into that space and find and remember those moments of absolute safety, we can find peace with our soul despite the unfairness.

We can find healing, despite the pain and loss, and that’s where we start to heal and the more we do it, the more we remember the good and let go of the pain.

During this holiday season I hope we can all focus on the good that we’ve had and the good that we’re experiencing and the good that we are going to experience despite the pain and losses that we have endured!

July equals grief for me.

I’ll never be able to change it.

I lost my grandma and I watched my grandbaby be birthed lifeless. (I can’t imagine, many things worse).

It’s also the month of my grandpa‘s birthday and now that he is gone, it’s not a happy thing, it’s a missing thing.

I hate “missing” things.

I hate this month and I wish I could erase it forever.

Never again, July: I hate every letter, and I hate the letters that form it’s meaning, I hate every time I hear it and every representation of it, I hate even trying to type it, to be honest.

Grief is weird, it’s quirky and mysterious.

Grief, while I may not be able to overcome you, all of the time. I will recognize you!

Because, when I don’t… I know that’s when you have the most power.

You will not have the last word!

I will overcome! – as many of us do!

#grief #awareness #growth

The most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.

She needed him and he was present.

All she had to do was say that she was hungry and he immediately went to the fridge and asked her what sounded good; she was exhausted and proceeded up the stairs as he prepared her a bagel and a fried egg, that his mother has apparently never taught him to make. But he did it anyway.

Not too long after, I found them sitting on their bedroom floor, facing each other, her legs crossed, balled up and inward; him relaxed, with his legs surrounding her like a shield or maybe a comforting blanket, holding hands, communicating, listening and pouring, simultaneously flowing.

I sat as an observer, mesmerized.

Moments later, as we were busy again , he casually got up, heated up a cup of steaming hot tea and headed back up the stairs.

It suddenly hit me.

There are no fairy tales.

There is only love.

This is love.

To be seen and loved when the pain is too much.

It is only in these moments that love is bonded and formed deeper.

Showing up matters. And it matters most for us, because we were created for this.

May we all set aside our frivolous needs, use our gifts in the people’s lives that matter and know that we will never run out of reserves when doing so, in fact, we will be more filled than we ever imagined!

#love #present #serving #seen

The weather directed my swirling thoughts: sunshine, an evening cry of rain, and a likely powerful storm -all mirroring scenarios of a fathers’ influence or legacy.

I couldn’t stop the pondering of how many different people are affected by this day….

The ‘naturally’ great fathers, that were blessed by a similar example.

The great fathers that fought for what they had lacked in an example.

The children of absent or abusive fathers.

The many who have lost their fathers, regardless of whether they were great or not.

The ‘average’ fathers, fighting too hard, to be something, that they already are.

The fathers who never got to be one.

The fathers who didn’t have the choice.

Woman who are living without a father to their children, physically or emotionally.

Those anticipating being a father or their spouse being one.

Those watching their father physically decline.

I have had “fathers” of neglect, abuse and I have had “fathers” of great example, as well! (Yes, blood runs deep, but it is not what ultimately affects our lives.)

I’ve also had the rare privilege of getting to know my father/daddio; yes, later in life than I would have chosen, however, I can see now, how all things worked together. He was there, exactly when I needed him.

And in fact, when I look back, he gave me exactly what I needed.

Whoever you are and however fatherhood has, or is currently, affecting you, have faith that it is all as it should be.

As difficult or as wonderful, we posses all that we need to press on!

Like the weather today, we have the sunshine! We have most loving Father with an immense pride in/for us that we cannot fathom. He shines on us everyday.

Like the rain, He feels our sorrows, understands our grief and most importantly, sees our tears.

Like the storms, He is with us through every one! Upholding us and parting the waters for us!

There was a time that I questioned all this, but I can promise you that He most certainly has all of these details handled! He is a miracle worker!

We can press on, in thankfulness, in hopefulness or in rest! Wherever you’re at and whatever is needed!

#ippreciateyourvalueinmylife #fathers #heprovides #holidays #abuse #thankfullness #neglect #hopefulness #rest #miraclesarepossible