Author: httplesliekay

Some days, it’s cleaning out the room of one that is gone.

Some days, it’s as small as, an argument, in the grief, of expectations.

Other days, it’s more grandeur; the grief of hopes and dreams that we held, disappearing into the mist.

On occasion, it’s the loss or continued loss, of a loved one.

Too often, it is the memory, intruding.

Rare, but true, their is still grief in those we wouldn’t wish back; an assault, questioning our humanness.

All too often, there is grief in those that we must interact with daily: the lack of leadership or direction, the disappointment of not being heard or validated.

The reality is that, regardless of the situation, miraculously, we all possess, what we need, to keep going.

No matter what our battle is, we are strong enough and more importantly, we have been strong enough.

Just keep going!

He will show you a way, through each, and every, grief!

Grief teaches.

It opens our hearts.

It exposes our needs.

Grief, as painful as it is, it is the doorway to everything we ever needed to know.

Embrace it and value it and then, as quickly as you can, move on and live your life to the fullest!

Because grief, should never has the last word.

Things can change in an instance.

I’ve witnessed this too many times.

We are thanked.

We have a day off.

We are enlightened.

We are accoladed.

We have the ability to exercise.

We see a new side to ourselves.

We experience a wonder of creation.

Or we are simply, loved…

Yet we still, forget, too easily.

Too easily, we feel comfortable again.

We can breathe so…

…the walls go up.

Or maybe, we distance or demean ourselves.

We can even demonize people.

And sometimes, we even justify it, only to our own demise.

My almost 99-year-old grandpa finally went into the hospital after living completely independently on his own up to this point.

Why do we live like this day will never come, but yet, we know it is coming?

I believe it’s the forethought and gratitude of living, loving, serving (the best we can), being present and constant, (despite our fears) that bring us the most joy in the end and continuing afterword.

Regardless of the past, but humbly learning from it, let us all continue to take one step closer to peace, for us all.

Let go, open up, (even just a little) every day and be aware, that every moment, every interaction, as imperfect as it is, is a gift, to teach us, or better yet, grow us (especially to those that matter.)

Every single moment does matter, to someone else and more importantly, to us.

#grief #growth #gratitude #fear #peace #truth #life #perspective

I go about my day, everything feeling fine.

It is fine, it’s even much better than fine. And that’s the truth.

But then then, something reminds me, or something happens and its as though I’m whirled into a different universe.

It feels like what I imagine drowning to be: swirling with the current, unable to find anything to grasp hold of, this/these moment(s) treacherous, yet, after so many repetitions of this; I know now…

…I KNOW, that, I WILL SURFACE!

Because, I am, Somehow, always propelled upward!

While it used to astonish me more, I am learning that this is, the normal flow of life, for every human.

Now that I’ve been able to recover quicker, when coming up for air, I can see that there are more people at the surface, in fact, the waters are covered with them!

Deep breaths, smiles, stories, triumphs and (oh the laughter!).

These sights and sounds melt away the brief memory of the tormented silence of the dark abyss.

It’s the most joyous party! reminding me of heaven. ❤️

We are all at different places, at different times.

Some of us may be under, some of us may be above.

Our timing may be off…

*Yet, we are all in this sea together!

I am so thankful for the moments I can see someone else, under the surface; and that connectedness will never be lost.

I’m also overjoyed when I’m above and can celebrate with those who are in view!

It’s also a rare-ish miracle when there’s a connection beyond these two surfaces; when we can finally get full perspective, when we can be above and still recognize those below. Also, equally miraculous, being under and able to rejoice with those above.

Although we can’t ever fully understand where each one of us are at, we can imagine their struggle and also their joy!

May we all give grace for timing, be understanding and champion each other, through this sea/sport called life!

#grief #celebration #trials #love #freedom #understanding #timing #grace #home

I love you and I hate you.

Your spur me on and yet try to keep me from everything that I truly need.

You present scenarios that freeze me.

(I think of freeze tag as a kid and how hard it was, to physically not move, with all the thoughts running through my head.)

Perfection, you also give me a picture of what could be.

(I think of watching my peers doing something that I did not think that I could do.)

As I’ve grown older, and wiser, I don’t hate you as much.

I know you may not like this, but you are nothing but an inspiration now!

I understand that there is no perfection in life and that means that, unfortunately, you do not truly exist.

You exist, only in our mind, and only for displaying the potential that we all have.

It is up to us for the rest. (We all know this is and I know that you do as well.)

Thank you, Perfection; for pressing in on me, because, without you, I wouldn’t be where I am, I wouldn’t be hopeful, neither would I continue to strive for the imperfectness of reality, that brings me more joy than I ever imagined!

It’s in the imperfections, where life is found, where life grows, and where life is lived; It’s pressing through the difficult moments and finding personal growth that ultimately and only, propels us forward.

Imperfections are becoming my greatest value, as difficult as they are to get through, they have brought the highest value into my life. ❤️

I’m sorry, Perfection, but you’ve had your say, and it’s just not that impactful, if I’m being honest. 🤷🏻‍♀️

#perfection#reality#growth#stagnancy#life#grace

Phil 3:12 (ESV) Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own.

Pressures, that build or have been, for years.

Release, knocking down our door.

A way must be found, yes.

Holding, holding, holding, for too long, creates a catastrophe.

Geysers release as needed.

They know their limits.

Waiting too long, releases, too much, at one time.

Pressure will always continue to build.

Often, doing the opposite of what we would like, is actually what releases that pressure.

Sometimes it is doing exactly what we’d like, as long as it’s not hurting anyone.

Often it’s painful; it’s uncomfortable or at least, not familiar enough yet.

Facing the unfamiliar, facing the uncomfortable and doing the opposite is where I have found the most healing, peace, relief or whatever you want to call it.

It’s in those moments, but only, after, that I see, where it mattered and made a difference.

Delayed gratification brings satisfaction; as opposite as it seems.

Immediate striving allows healing; as opposing as it appears.

Doing the opposite, is essentially, committing to climbing that mountain, step by step.

We live in a culture of immediate gratification.

Patience is scarce

And grace is an exception.

Nothing is perfect, nor will it ever be.

Being in a place to accept this and then also move forward, doing the opposite, step-by-step, is where I have found the most joy, healing, and peace.

May we all find a place of release, but slowly, and mindfully, facing our fear and resisting any offense.

2 Corinthians 8:7 But as you excel in everything—in faith, in speech, in knowledge, in all earnestness, and in our love for you—see that you excel in this act of grace also.

-For others, yet, also for ourselves. ❤️

What she missed most, was eating with him.

He unexpectedly passed, four weeks ago. Wow, I simply can’t believe it’s been four weeks, it seems like one.

I called them my Spooners.

Often, I would walk into the room and they would be laying in their bed literally spooning each other. They loved each other, deeply and physically, to the very end.

Other times, I would walk in, they would be sitting in their chairs, right next to each other and most often, I couldn’t get a word in, because all they could do was interupt, each and every conversation, in order to give each other a compliment!

I guess this is what happens when you get to the end.

You start to see everything, much more clearly, and all you want to do is to tell someone, anyone, that that person means so much to you.

Today I was able to intercept her meal from the kitchen, only because of the most gracious and understanding kitchen workers. (There’s a rhyme and rhythm to feeding 40 people at one time, let me tell you!).

So, throwing a cog in the wheel, I requested it, yet, only because I knew that it would matter.

I grabbed her meal tray, entered her room, sat in her late husbands chair, of course never presumptuous (as she has expressed, “that it would be nothing but a huge blessing!”).

I simply sat with her, prayed beforehand, at her request, ate a meal, conversed, and then… I was the one blessed with her very long prayer, to end her evening! 😉❤️

She had had visitors today and although she was exhausted from just that, she was also so incredibly thankful for her family!

Many do not even get one visitor and we joked about how over-loved she is!

And yet all I can say is that….

….it is all of these little things that ultimately add up.

Yes, it is the visits, yes it is the person that is filling, the oh so canyon void, along with so much more.

However, may we never forget the little things that we do and at the same time understand that’s it’s not all on us!

It’s takes a village.

When we all play our part, everything flows like a well-oiled machine, even in the midst of the utmost grief.

Never underestimate your own role or underestimate the role of others. ❤️

When you reach a depth of pain; that you never knew was possible, it’s overwhelming.

It makes me so happy for the people that have never experienced this level and I pray to God that no one else, ever does.

Our inherent nature wants to place blame somewhere, but honestly, there’s always enough blame to go around and like a tightly woven tapestry, we will never be able to separate it, as hard as we try.

Attempting to do this only creates more pain and more division.

Yes I can feel angry for the things that were done to me, even if I believe they were out of the category of acceptable.

Accepting that “all things work together” is what I cling to every day.

I cling to hope for a brighter future, I strive to grow in understanding myself and beg for mercy for the places I have fallen short, which are many.

I continue to do my best to be loving despite my reality that made me question if love even exists.

However, despite my reality, thank goodness, I’ve witnessed love.

Witnessing/experiencing love makes me believe there may be good and love beyond my experiences and understanding.

Several people in my life have helped me cling to this hope.

They are the heroes that someday will understand their place: behind the scenes, in peoples lives that were wrecked beyond compare and upheld.

We were upheld through the simple act of love: a reminder, a text, an understanding, a note, an encouragement, a thank you, humble advice, a story, a laugh, a recommendation, a kind word, time, or basic connection.

These people make the world continue to revolve, because without love, we would all cease to exist.

These acts of love, each one, have saved numerous lives, that we will not know or understand, the full effect of, until we reach heavens gates. ❤️

Connection holds a gift.

A gift beyond understanding.

A gift that turns your world inside out and upside down.

It hides in the crevices and begs for no attention, yet births forth when given the opportunity.

It waits in the wings.

It knows how much it requires, yet it’s ok with that.

Because it knows it’s value.

Detachment screams, every second, a myriad of lies that it will never confess.

Detachment/Isolation will make us seem secure.

It promises, most certainly, but never delivers. It slowly relishes in watching us die a slow agonizing death.

Detachment’s only goal is to take everything that is life giving.

(Not to say, that we don’t need boundaries. We certainly do need to learn more boundaries that pertain to self care. Yet, self care is what we need to really understand.)

Detachment wants to sabotage any single moment that we don’t deem as ‘good for us.’

Yes, some moments, we do need to say no to. We do need to understand our own needs and when we are simply drained or when we are simply unable to give what is asked.

However in my opinion, self-care never requires more detachment than connection.

It’s been helpful to me to evaluate the scales of what is weighing more predominantly in my life.

Connections can be anything, but they are connections with real people and real experiences.

Although you may know by now that I am a big promoter of being in the outdoors, athleticism, and the arts, however, I have to say that I do not believe we can grow from where we are without human connection as the primary vehicle.

Connection, of any kind, brings more of us to ourselves : it reflects things that we haven’t seen, teaches us things that we haven’t learned and propels us in a ways that we haven’t imagined.

Detachment/Stagnancy, as comforting as it seems, is cancer to our bodies.

Connection/Vibrancy, as difficult as it is, brings life to our decaying soul.

Social media, as great as it is for those of us that live miles away, has also contributed to the lack of true connections: when they are possible, they are more easily dismissed and certainly not fought for.

Social media can give us an easy out.

Not saying that I am good at this, but I believe that the people that matter to me should hear from me personally.

*Connection matters more than we want it to.

*Detachment destroys more than we can see it.

Let’s continue to fight for connection.

Simply because, we were designed for it.

#connection #detatchment #hope

Acting as cousins, pain and harm remain, yet, a huge chasm exists.

Pain alone can not do damage.

While hurt can cause pain, it can be the best teacher.

Pain always and eventually heals on its own.

Harm, requires an undoing, a labor.

Like grief, for example. It can cause pain and hurt like hell, without an actual ‘someone’ causing harm to us.

Choosing to not confuse the two can have an immense effect in our lives.

Choosing to see the things that were not meant to harm and truly, have not harmed us, can make all the difference in how we respond or process.

*Truth spoken in love may hurt, but it does not harm.

It’s actually ok, if not good for us to experience a little discomfort.

And the most true thing I’ve ever known/experienced, is that…

*PAIN IS THE ONLY THING THAT EVER MOVES US FROM THE PLACES WE NEED TO MOVE*

So instead of immediately assigning harm to our interactions, what if we look at things differently, particularly when that pain is ignited?

What if we can all see and move into a different mindset when we feel that instantaneous jab?

It is certainly, not often, intentional, statistically speaking, or valid, to assume that the hurt or pain we are feeling is intentional or harmful.

However, wisdom is knowing the difference of when we are in pain and when we are actually being harmed.

(More on ‘being harmed’ in a later post.)

For now, may we all be more aware and sensitive to the differences of hurt vs harm and our own role in it’s reality; both certainly and unequivocally matter, but I believe that the former is much more common and significantly due to our unfortunate selfish nature.

Do not let harm masquerade as hurt but also do not let hurt masquerade as harm. ❤️

#spiritofoffense

#iappreciateyourvalueinmylife

#relationships

#psychology

#hurt

#harm

#hope

#healing

Grief rips through my heart, pelting me with memories.

Memories of the deepest anguish fused with the most genuine love.

I remember the receiving line, as exhausting as it was, although that is not my predominant memory, it was the people: the people that moved my heart• that healed my heart. •the ones I had not anticipated.

She approached, with her overdone hair and obvious makeup, yet, this lady felt like home to me, but honestly, not someone I would have thought about daily, consider a close friend or even ‘family’.

She was my grandmother’s hairdresser. As she approached, I felt my emotions rise without my control.

For more years than I can remember, we had spent every two weeks, for an hour or more, in her salon, talking and just being together; somehow that meant more than I could have ever known at the time.

She finally reached my proximity and held out her arms to me. I literally collapsed into them with tears and snot eventually rolling all over as we hugged for ‘too long’. Somehow I just didn’t care because it was as though I was hugging my grandmother.

I’m not sure how this all works but what I do know, is that, God is working through those type of connections, those interactions, those consistent exchanges.

I am positive this is why He created families: grandparents, parents, children, spouses, siblings, aunts and uncles, nieces and nephews, cousins…and most certainly, close friends.

I don’t do this well, I have a tendency to isolate, but when I am reminded, they are the people that truly matter when the going gets tough, when grief intrudes, and we need that provision.

I hope you are surrounded by ‘family’ of any kind or any number, (even if they can be difficult at times😛) they truly are the supporting undercurrent of our lives. We will never have a better support system that we can trust wholeheartedly with our very lives. ❤️

Remember and believe.

All my ❤️