Author: httplesliekay

With my grandmother’s loss, I felt an immediate and immense loneliness. Scared was the dominate feeling. Just the absence of her presence (not necessarily physically) was what put me into a state of shaky instability. I didn’t or couldn’t trust anyone or anything and certainly not myself. Nothing felt sure anymore. I had no realization of how much I had counted on her: not for advice, consistently, (because I don’t remember asking that often), not for support, (in the tangible way), not even for emotional support, (directly anyway). She never imposed on my life. She was just constant and steady, comforting and available, loving and self sacrificing, and most certainly, it was by her example that I learned all that I never knew was priceless.

However, if I did, if I needed, I knew it/she was ‘there’. I knew she would be spot on and rock solid, no matter what. Once she left this life, I felt as though someone took me to the edge of a cliff at gun point and said “jump”. I faltered and flailed for what seemed like too long but it wasn’t much later until I realized I could actually fly and eventually, I did and did it very well. I had all that I had needed that I didn’t realize I possessed; most certainly, a large amount, due to her.

My brothers death has been utterly and completely different. I feel like a part of me is vapor. There is a substance to me, a solid, that evaporated as he left. He was just always simply there (not in a negative sense at all). He was astonishingly vibrant and life-giving whoever or whatever places he touched. Woefully, it all just feels so wrong because he should, just be….here: here with me, here with our family and certainly here for others.

But life goes on… and while I am truly grateful at times, I completely utterly resent it. I resent the fact that everyone does their own things and talks about their own things and is concerned with often, only, their own things.

While I’ll never do this as well as I’d like, I want to be that someone that remembers: that asks, that checks in, that sends a simple reminder of remembrance, or sits in the puddle together, maybe even throws a chair or two and screams without judgement.

This is healing.

This, I believe, is the type of love that propels and thrusts us forward, sometimes without us even realizing it, whatever type of grief, loss or struggle we are going through.

I was the recipient of this today. A gift of healing. A gift filled with self-care indulgences and a hand written card that filled my soul to overflowing. Forever I’ll be thankful and I’ll never be able to forget.

Whatever grief, loss or struggle you are experiencing I hope you have someone, even just one, that does, any one of these, for you.

I also hope that we can remember those, that at times, need us to be that healing balm. Together, if each one of us would make even one small simple gesture, collectively, it could make a huge impact.

Who might you reach out to today in a way that won’t cost you anything but the joy of knowing that you made a difference? The greatest joy of all. ❤️

I hope my writing has some minute impact or inspired you in any way. Thank you for reading! ☺️

“For the least of these…“ Matthew 25:40

Someone taught me this long ago.

Look up.

When you’ve lost someone, you only want, anyone, to understand your grief and pain. But the truth is, no one ever can fully understand.

I lost my brother and maybe you have too, but you haven’t lost MY brother: everything we’ve gone through, who he was to me, you will never understand.

But someone does understand and that is our Lord and Savior. He understands grief and loss and pain to an infinite degree that we cannot imagine.

The hope of that and the hope of things to come is only what I cling to.

No person, no understanding, no amount of empathy, no experience, can ever fill that void; it can only be found in knowing how much you are loved and known by the One who created you.

Do not look for validation in this world. Peace and joy and love is found in looking up!

Why am I surprised?

You have no regard for humanness.

Even if, even if…there are warning signs, you still, rush in, out of nowhere and demolish us like a hurricane and take us off our feet.

You take away all the security we took for granted.

All the moments that we thought we still had.

You erase them.

You steal them.

You make us almost believe they they weren’t even real: because they’re gone and we believe this. Never to be felt, never to be experienced again.

You try to take even what was real, as we ravage and scramble to store up every memory, believing that if we don’t, they’ll be just a vapor.

Well fuck you grief. I will remember.

I will remember…

…even if it’s through tears and pain.

I will remember, even if I can’t remember right now, I will continue to remember.

First of all I have to say because I know you Will, you will laugh now and you still did when you were here, that you were a spoiled little brat but somehow what came out of that was the most beautiful soul!

•I will remember the Smurf sleeping bag that you used on the couch that was your favorite thing.

I will remember that you woke up in the middle of the night and thought that you were peeing in the toilet and you were peeing on your bed.

I will remember that the bat flying around at dad’s house when we thought we found shelter upstairs on the couch on the floor, peed on my face, was the loudest laughter that I ever heard you laugh.

•I will remember the days on the farm riding four wheelers and snowmobiles together. When you pulled up to the 8 foot cliff and pretended to scare me and thought you had it in reverse and we went flying over the cliff and I broke my arm and you felt so horrible and had human strength to turn the four wheeler upside down.

•I will remember all the things we confided in each other…

*•I will remember that you were always my safe place and my protector that we could say one thing like twin souls and know exactly how the other person felt.

•I will remember that you brought me chicken soup whenever I was sick. Also you would never give me the recipe and I was so mad at you for this.

•I will remember, most of all, that you loved me, no matter how or what I was doing.

•I will remember, most prominently, that you loved my children, which was more love to me than anything else you could’ve done. You poured into their life the best that you could.

•I will remember the last words that I said to you. And that will always be between you and I. 😉☺️

•I will remember all the verses you sent me and I will remember all the confessions and also all the humility that you had.

•I will remember that the character and love and servitude and compassion that you had is all I ever wanted in a man. And I will forever be thankful that I have had that example in a brother.

•Most of all I will remember your faith and how you did not care what anyone thought when you shared your faith unapologetically and I will and do promise to live out that Legacy.

Your funeral was a testimony to that and as cliché as it is, no one will ever really know the lives that you touched through the stories that we heard! 😭

I drive by your street I wish I would’ve stopped in more. I hear a song that you sent me and I wish I could tell you how much it means to me now. The last time you came to my house and brought me a grill to replace my small camping grill will be used until it’s dying day!

It wasn’t our last conversation but it was our last private personal moment and I’ll never forget it. Things we said, the look in your eyes, it’s as though we knew.❤️

You left a legacy, my brother, even through your struggle and pain. You left a message and a legacy that will continue to bear fruit and I promise to carry that torch for you.

I’m so glad you are free! It’s truly the only thing I can cling to that’s given me strength to endure. I’m so beyond words that I emphatically know you are in the arms of Jesus without a care. FINALLY.

Praise the Lord. 🙌🏼. Onward we go. This too shall pass.

Sometimes we don’t know what love is until we’re shown it.

We’re told that God loves us, but until someone actually represents that, it’s very difficult to fully believe, even if, intellectually we understand and believe it.

Love is…

“Can I call you?”

“I miss you”

“Don’t leave, I want to work through this”

“I want to know what you’re feeling and thinking”

It’s also…

Building someone up more than focusing on negatives.

Having your own interests.

Worshiping and serving together and even separate if necessary.

Valuing family time and traditions.

Giving space and being aware of our own need for that.

Making conscious effort to show love in how the other person receives it.

Never projecting, but always first listening to understand, in order to know how to proceed.

Speaking your needs, desires and boundaries in a loving way and being willing to accept that some people may not be OK with that and that’s not something you need to hold.

Ultimately, love is accepting people for where they’re at, but also holding your own boundaries.

-the relationships that naturally flow from those things will become the greatest joy in your life!

There’s enough grief!

Those moments when someone mentions, even just, bread.

I went with my grandma every week to get fresh baked bread, 20+ miles away: smelling it in the truck, learning patience, all the way home until we arrived . She got out her, obviously used, serrated knife and cut the soft loaf, spread the creamy butter and made me a house. I can still hear the sound of the knife hitting the countertop at each tap. She cut a door, an octagon window in the top, a square window in the side and then I would eat it-piece by piece and I did this over and over and over and over for as long as I can remember as a child.

Grief shows up in ways we’re not ready for at times.

Grief shows up because memories are intwined and connected with our world and intended to change us and challenge us.

In my opinion, grief is meant to be felt.

When it is felt, it is released.

When it is felt, it is healed, just a little bit more.

None of us want to feel that pain nor remember that grief, but what we need to remember is that there is good and bad in grief.

Grief emphatically holds so much more blessing that it does pain, if we’re willing to see it.

Grief, any which way, is absolutely the deepest loss but exactly why there’s always more good that we are now able to see that we were blinded to until that pain entered and our eyes were opened.

That, to me, is what grief is about.

We are all human. We were created in His image and I believe that when we’re willing to enter into that space and find and remember those moments of absolute safety, we can find peace with our soul despite the unfairness.

We can find healing, despite the pain and loss, and that’s where we start to heal and the more we do it, the more we remember the good and let go of the pain.

During this holiday season I hope we can all focus on the good that we’ve had and the good that we’re experiencing and the good that we are going to experience despite the pain and losses that we have endured!

July equals grief for me.

I’ll never be able to change it.

I lost my grandma and I watched my grandbaby be birthed lifeless. (I can’t imagine, many things worse).

It’s also the month of my grandpa‘s birthday and now that he is gone, it’s not a happy thing, it’s a missing thing.

I hate “missing” things.

I hate this month and I wish I could erase it forever.

Never again, July: I hate every letter, and I hate the letters that form it’s meaning, I hate every time I hear it and every representation of it, I hate even trying to type it, to be honest.

Grief is weird, it’s quirky and mysterious.

Grief, while I may not be able to overcome you, all of the time. I will recognize you!

Because, when I don’t… I know that’s when you have the most power.

You will not have the last word!

I will overcome! – as many of us do!

#grief #awareness #growth

The most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.

She needed him and he was present.

All she had to do was say that she was hungry and he immediately went to the fridge and asked her what sounded good; she was exhausted and proceeded up the stairs as he prepared her a bagel and a fried egg, that his mother has apparently never taught him to make. But he did it anyway.

Not too long after, I found them sitting on their bedroom floor, facing each other, her legs crossed, balled up and inward; him relaxed, with his legs surrounding her like a shield or maybe a comforting blanket, holding hands, communicating, listening and pouring, simultaneously flowing.

I sat as an observer, mesmerized.

Moments later, as we were busy again , he casually got up, heated up a cup of steaming hot tea and headed back up the stairs.

It suddenly hit me.

There are no fairy tales.

There is only love.

This is love.

To be seen and loved when the pain is too much.

It is only in these moments that love is bonded and formed deeper.

Showing up matters. And it matters most for us, because we were created for this.

May we all set aside our frivolous needs, use our gifts in the people’s lives that matter and know that we will never run out of reserves when doing so, in fact, we will be more filled than we ever imagined!

#love #present #serving #seen

The weather directed my swirling thoughts: sunshine, an evening cry of rain, and a likely powerful storm -all mirroring scenarios of a fathers’ influence or legacy.

I couldn’t stop the pondering of how many different people are affected by this day….

The ‘naturally’ great fathers, that were blessed by a similar example.

The great fathers that fought for what they had lacked in an example.

The children of absent or abusive fathers.

The many who have lost their fathers, regardless of whether they were great or not.

The ‘average’ fathers, fighting too hard, to be something, that they already are.

The fathers who never got to be one.

The fathers who didn’t have the choice.

Woman who are living without a father to their children, physically or emotionally.

Those anticipating being a father or their spouse being one.

Those watching their father physically decline.

I have had “fathers” of neglect, abuse and I have had “fathers” of great example, as well! (Yes, blood runs deep, but it is not what ultimately affects our lives.)

I’ve also had the rare privilege of getting to know my father/daddio; yes, later in life than I would have chosen, however, I can see now, how all things worked together. He was there, exactly when I needed him.

And in fact, when I look back, he gave me exactly what I needed.

Whoever you are and however fatherhood has, or is currently, affecting you, have faith that it is all as it should be.

As difficult or as wonderful, we posses all that we need to press on!

Like the weather today, we have the sunshine! We have most loving Father with an immense pride in/for us that we cannot fathom. He shines on us everyday.

Like the rain, He feels our sorrows, understands our grief and most importantly, sees our tears.

Like the storms, He is with us through every one! Upholding us and parting the waters for us!

There was a time that I questioned all this, but I can promise you that He most certainly has all of these details handled! He is a miracle worker!

We can press on, in thankfulness, in hopefulness or in rest! Wherever you’re at and whatever is needed!

#ippreciateyourvalueinmylife #fathers #heprovides #holidays #abuse #thankfullness #neglect #hopefulness #rest #miraclesarepossible

One word, I could never hear enough of.

One word that means more than 7000 compliments or any paycheck ever could.

Momma.

It holds so much more, to me.

Momma

It brings me back to the time that we were inseparable.

The moment I laid with you when you were burning with fever when I was exhausted and desperately needed sleep myself.

The thousands of books I read to you, over and over, because I knew they would open up your world, as scary as that was to me.

The days I poured into your character instead of choosing to check out. Over and over again, I fought for your character.

The days I refereed for love between your siblings, even when, I never knew who to defend, because my love for all of you, ran too deep.

Eventually, it became the late nights, the music and the tattoos.

The understandings, without words.

Momma, he says, maybe for the last time. “Can you make these signs for my wedding?”

I feel privileged and I also cry.

He is leaving.

And yet, he is arriving.

Momma, will always be echoing in my head, whether I audibly ever hear it again.

Go forth my son and never look back.

May what I was to you, remind you and have given you enough strength to keep moving forward.

This/her/your passions, is all I ever ultimately wanted for you, because I know that’s all you ever really wanted/needed.

Be a leader, but continue to be you, be strong and be soft, never stop seeing her, never stop creating, and never forget that your momma will always be watching 😉 jk. not kidding. Jk. 😝

Love,

Your momma

Staying there was no longer an option.

A breakthrough…

Was it that last fear I had faced, which gave me just enough strength?

Was it that last piece of knowledge acquired, that put all the pieces together?

Was it the job that finally came through?

Was it the willpower to attain those goals?

Was it the healing words or the apologies?

Was it the realization of my inadequacies?

Was it other people who mirrored what I needed to see in myself?

Was it the personal growth and the past that I had finally faced?

Was it the trophies hanging on the walls and doorways?

Maybe it was the sum of all of these?

Or possibly, maybe it was none of these.

Maybe it was just one foot in front of the other.

Or maybe it was all of these, converging together, at the exact moment in time.

I lived, unapologetically, seemingly stagnant, for quite a bit.

A time that was necessary for me.

And I’ll never regret, even one moment, not one of them..

However, there came a time, that I knew, I just knew, I couldn’t stay there.

Staying there, meant giving up all that I had hoped for.

Staying there, no longer, was enough.

However it’s happens, breakthroughs emerge through the hardened, seemingly sealed surface.

While I may not know, for now, how or why, breakthroughs happen, they are never as far off as we believe at times.

Keep going!

Never give up!

The breakthrough/release, that we often never see coming, is well worth the wait/anticipation!

#Heisalwaysworking