I went to a funeral this week. And as open and “feely” as I am I thought I’d be totally fine.
I wasn’t…
All morning I was feeling off kilter. I couldn’t pinpoint the unsettling in my spirit. I pushed through and made it to the funeral home. However, leaving the funeral, which was already wrought with tears, joy, anger, even some laughter etc…I was determined I was not going to the graveside service. I had all my perfect excuses laid out in my head, and yet I experienced a huge battle in my soul.
However, I decided to follow the precession to the cemetery (I mean, it was on my way home) but when it came to the final turn there was something in me that had to keep following.
I pulled in behind the stacks of cars and put my car in park, still thinking I could just sit there. No one would notice, but the struggle and pull was overwhelming.
I sat for awhile, willing myself to just get out of the dang car, with my head in the steering wheel, I prayed, talked to myself out loud, prayed, and finally opened my car door, stepped one foot onto the ground and immediately the tears came flowing down. What the heck! I got the other foot out and then felt no choice but to stand and then I inhaled a huge breath, exhaled even bigger and continued on not sure if I would just stand in the background and then realized..
He had me there for a reason for maybe myself and maybe even for others. And as opposite as this felt, I would go. I approached the crowd, finding my place, alone, feeling awkward, sniffling, and unsure, I did my best to listen to the pastors sentiments. Not too long and he announced our dismissal, I apprehensively approached those people very special to me, all the while attempting to gauge their receptiveness in order to respect their space. To my surprise, they were beyond receptive. We embraced, cried, snot getting everywhere it shouldn’t, talked in few words about things of significance, exchanged a lot of silent communications that required no words. And it just felt right.
I was so glad I had gotten out of my comfort zone
Reflecting, I realized…
-This is why, when we’ve gone through grief, we all have/need different time frames.
-This is why some of us can’t visit the graveside until we’re ready..
-This is why, some of us shut down.
-This is why, we might self protect.
-This is why, we may try to control.
-this is why, we often shut people out.
-This is why we can become self sufficient.
-This is why we often self-medicate.
-This is why maybe, we can’t be real.
Because it’s hard! It sucks! And it reminds us of past hurts and pain and grief that we want to avoid at all costs often unaware- pain we never want to even think about getting close to, never wanting to feel those feelings ever again. Often, the way we act, we don’t even know what WE are doing, let alone how it may affect others.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned personally, it is that people who are going through grieving, they need a lot more of our grace and long suffering. Yup.
Grief can paralyze us in ways we never would of imagined ourselves acting like.
It stirs up more than what is operating in the present.
Because I have been through a lot of different griefs, I can certainly tell you what I hate most about grief…
the reality that grief never ends,
unfortunately it will visit you unexpectedly. and it hurts more than anything I could have ever imagined.
But sometimes…
Sometimes, I really want to just talk about that person. Sometimes I want to be reminded of something new that maybe I didn’t know or see about them. Sometimes I don’t want to be reminded of them at all. Sometimes I want people to use their name just so I can hear it but sometimes I resent that they think they can. Sometimes I just want one person to understand what they were or weren’t to me. Sometimes I want to admit how much regret. Sometimes I want to be reminded what I may have been to them. Sometimes I want to be reminded how I am like them.
Sometimes I just don’t know what I want regarding them,
but it’ll always be a sacred and sensitive place for me.
Saying all that, there IS something about grief that I love,
it is a reminder…
-a reminder to keep perspective in this world.
-a reminder that this is not our home.
-a reminder to love beyond yourself.
-a reminder to fight for healing, for yourself and others’
-a reminder that this too shall pass.
-a reminder that others have gone or are going through similar things.
-a reminder that pain is always and only temporary.
-a reminder that we are never alone.
-a reminder to hold close those you love, say what you want to say if it were the last day you had with them.
-a reminder that sharing in His suffering is good.
-a reminder of what He went through for us. But most importantly BECAUSE OF His love for us. ❤️
Allow grief to trigger grief, knowing that all things do work together…
always unfinished 