Is it a storm, or just a new song…

There always a calm before…

There’s a unique earthy aroma of all the elements of nature swirling together,

a stillness that is felt, but with an oh-so-gentle, breeze.

the realiazation of the sudden drop in temperature,

-birds singing a differing, still soft, but warning song.

And then the drops begin to descend.

How soon, we wonder, will we need to take complete cover.

The Brightness recedes,

The sky turns tye-died gray and white and eventually it’s as though the dimmer has been activated.

There’s no more sound, where have all the birds gone?

And then there’s a rumble in the distant, so faint, you wonder if you imagined it. you might ask someone, if they were near.

(Maybe it’s the the musicians just tuning up.)

And suddenly the rain begins, and there’s no denying it, is in fact, a storm.

It’s completely dark now, and because you’ve taken cover you can hear the rain pounding the pavement, the leaves, the metal surfaces, even more loudly.

You pull the covers over your head a little tighter.

A flash of light, and then you know what is next, you brace yourself because you know what’s next…

A loud crack invades your being and you’re terrified!

Suddenly, you realize…

you’re safe!

you’re protected!

It’s just The Musician playing his symphony!

Every one of your fears subside because you know the power exuded in this storm is the Power He has given to you.

-because YOU ARE HIS BELOVED!

And then,

you smile,

you exhale,

You finally and completely let go,

and you no longer find fear, but absolute Peace in the storm.

And then…you are reminded again when you wake up the next day to the most glorious new Sunrise! “His mercies are new every morning!” -“Be still..”

-always unfinished.

Too many voices and yet not a one….

not one saying what they actually should say

maybe they don’t know.

they act like they know it all.

Most times I believe they know exactly what they should say.

but they secretly don’t want to,

they don’t want to share.

To share words that could bring life.

They hoard them to themselves.

It might make me hate them or even worse, to them, it might put a chink in their armor.

And if they do know deep down what to say, maybe they’re just afraid to.

Could it be true ignorance

or is it just a fascade to protect themselves.

Too afraid dig down and scrape out whatever they have to give to someone

to help them keep going, even just one more step, even sometimes to remind them to just keep breathing.

Does anyone else feel His presence in these moments? All that He has taught us,

begging to be used.

Yes, momentarily sometimes, it’s uncomfortable or scary or feels unnatural to say what it is that you know they need.

we question it.

it couldn’t really help them right?

is it worth the risk?

In these moments do we really possess the words that are true and life-giving

We do…

And the times when we do is often easier when we decide or just feel that their healing is more important than ours.

It happens more often when we care more about that person than ourself.

then the fullness that we are soaked in that we don’t even realize is overflowing inside us and weighing us down is suddenly released..

wrung out

given

and we feel peace again.

strength again.

Maybe then WE ourselves are able to

receive more

accept more

we even feel joy, and all is well once again.

How can we say we love God if we walk this earth so self protectively.

What is even the point of existing if not to give of yourself -Or is this just the thoughts of a fool.

People are reflections of God

His display pieces.

We need to see him in a variety of forms and ways

through all of us perfectly broken people.

How will we ever see Him when we are so isolated and self protective, stingy or complaining, fake..

Can we really rely on our constant ever present daily strivings to self protect? The ways we devise secret plans to control or keep others away at all costs sometimes.

Obsessively creating scenarios to find what we think is peace.

And when those plans succeed, if we’re truthful…

do we feel…

better,

do we feel…

peaceful

do we feel….

alive

For a while I can always fool myself but I’ve learned and am still learning I don’t feel any of those things those good things when I am isolated and self absorbed.

I wonder, is it because God intends for his people to see Him through living, ever changing (vessels) canisters

The only things that hold His love, His beauty, all His attributes .

When we share ourselves with the world, the living world and are open to receive from it..

we change.

are forever changed.

creation

all creation,

man and women,

all living things …

these are His canisters.

The only things that can hold His gifts.

speak to us about him.

The only things that can carry a secret of Him and pass it to us

Given or received only to ourselves through His beauty in creation or one person to another or at other times to many.

open your canister, no, dont just open it, throw away the lid.

Let people dig in and see what kind of specific, sweet, one of a kind things He has made you out of.

Taste and let them take a taste.

This is where friendships and love and growth are

Created

Found

Returned to

This is where we see God most

where we taste of others

and are filled-

filled sometimes by simply being out in His beautiful creation alone

In awe of His world

Gathering it all in,

weather,

nature,

sounds,

words,

art,

music…

Gifts from Him for our enjoyment,

our filling.

And then we’re filled.

Filled with a huge variety that makes us more vibrant and unique

and no longer unable to see Him,

and to see Him more vividly

To glorify God and enjoy Him forever.

That’s our purpose

We glorify….

by giving,

sacrificing ourselves,

we enjoy…

by filling ourselves with all His gifts

His love is then too evident to deny

Shouldn’t we be fervently trying to fill and then also give away all we hold and knowing that AS we do,

we are ensuring our own fullness

…to the ultimate end of

knowing Him more.

Always unfinished.

we are told we have it

it’s accessible to us if we just grab it

hang onto it.

Like it’s no big deal just do it. Just take it.

It’s like everything else I want. I want it so badly,  I know I can’t live without it.  I’m not supposed to take my eyes off it yet I’m distracted and allured by so many many things

I know it’s what will fill my heart

what will steady me

but I just keep spinning and spinning and spinning   Once in a while I catch a glimpse of it

Very briefly, so very briefly the blurring softens and I see that its there. I actually KNOW that it’s there

This happens only when I seem to exert the most amount of strength possible to slow the force of my own self-destruction that keeps me spinning.

Pain

…that’s what gives me the strength to reverse the oh so powerful centrifical force that keeps me so self focused.

So self absorbed.

Are we all spinning round and round or is it just me? Why does it seems everyone else is

steadied

secure

and I cannot seem to grab hold of anything..

the evil one reminds me how weak I am.

Sometimes , mostly

I can only hear his voice. Telling me I’ll never stop. It’s laws of nature he says. No one will help you.

They’ll just leave you on the shelf. Like a toy they no longer take pleasure in.

I’ll just sit there and spin forever endlessly.

How do I stop? Will I ever be able to without some other intervention outside of myself?

I’m told in this life I will never be completely steadied. But also that I can be.

I don’t know what this looks like.

How do we grab it, stay focused on it, changed by it? one minute, sometimes just for a second, it’s there and real and sure

the next minute it’s gone and I’m spinning again. I feel myself starting to build that force up and things getting blurry and deep down I know I’m heading backwards to the dizzying the frantic place.

But I can’t seem to reverse it.

In those seconds I feel it.

it’s like the sun. shining so bright!

…and yet

with in a moment the clouds start rolling in again

darkness- here it comes again. i know it’s still there. The sun.

It’s there behind the darkness.

how do i suck in the rays how do I  call it to come out to me how do i grasp it

I know if I really do grasp it I’ll hang on and never let go but I cant ever actually get a good grip.

it’s like a flame ever sustaining me,

We are told

it never goes out

but we can never control it can never completely let it be all of us..

it’s right there they say. I see it. but how do i jump into it?

how do i merge myself into it

I want to. I know it’s what I need.

It burns to come to a hault. There’s friction that burns so badly. It fights with the desire to stop spinning, to find the hope again. To see it clearly

Oh if I could just flip the switch to whatever is spinning me, but there’s too many switches, and there’s only one combination that would shut down the system. I try every combination, every formula, I lose track of my failed attempts,

I start over and it seems like an eternity before I’ll ever find victory, if I even ever will.

I am definitely more unsure of that happening. And yet I’m not.

Do I frantically keep trying,

Lost in my mind,

Always lost in my own head

I can fool myself for a bit and then I can’t anymore, I know myself too well now.

I know how this goes.

But there’s someone coming, someone that has the answer key,

Right? I know this.

but when.

When will he arrive because Im afraid to even say that im realizing that I can’t save myself.

And that scares me more than trying.

I am terrified if I quit searching

striving

if I quit thinking,  I’ll completely self destruct.

So I just hang on. Every second sometimes I just hang on.

Something must be holding me because I know I shouldn’t even have this much strength. I know I should’ve self-destructived long before.

So is that all I need to focus on?

THAT reality?

that there’s a strength coming from somewhere

I don’t fully or even understand where the power source is coming from but I DO.

And for some reason I’m still here. Even if it’s only in my head.

The failures, the constant failures, the endless hypotheses

procedures

failures

and back to the drawing board

How many times over and over and over

failures …

if I could not focus on the failures

If I could just step back and see the big picture but I can’t i’m going mad in my mind. Oh to stop being driven by my desire for the answer,

all the answers

to give the answer to everyone’s combination

to help everyone else,

the pride

but is it or is that love

is it sacrifice

or is it foolish of me to think I can save anyone else let alone myself.

He is coming.

I know He is coming.

How I thought this was the scariest thing I could do, I’ll never know!

I’m a talker and I’ve always loved words. I could never seem to get enough words out. My goal always seemed to be using as many words as I could to convey a true enough interpretation of what I wanted to communicate. Writing seemed to be limiting.

But, in the midst of a painful situation I was encouraged to write. It took me quite awhile to finally have the courage to sit down, and just simply start. So much came pouring out of me and  I quickly found out that it was nothing at all like I had imagined and in fact, I fell in love. Can you be in love with words? I’m not sure but it certainly feels that way to me. It’s a lot like doing a puzzle and getting just the right words in the right places to make the end result as beautifully ascetic and moving as possible.

Words.

Are.

Everywhere.

And they matter.

A lot.

They’re so very very powerful.

To move someone,

to hurt someone,

to inspire someone,

so much more…

Words set the course of emotions throughout our day whether we want to admit that or not.

So, I write now…

…mostly when I’m feeling any type of strong emotion. It’s almost as though emotion is the release valve for my words or stories that are continually floating around inside my head.

And I’m not exactly sure how this all goes but very typical of this girl,  is that, in true form, it’ll probably be…

always unfinished