Those three words..I have been afraid of hearing most of my life.
And so, as absolutely shocking as it was, that was all that I needed to hear, even though I questioned it over and over, and as my voice raised in volume each time as I rhetorically recited “what?!” until I was uncontrollably sobbing.
And then one day, almost exactly a year later, I realized… that the “time” to grieve was never coming… I started to ooze and it felt like salve and air and hope.
I don’t know why, exactly. I know that counseling is digging out reasons that I cannot share but I am grateful that I am growing and being freed. I am proud of myself for doing the work that goes unseen by most and I hope that others can see maybe one thing and do that for themselves as well. It is worth more than gold! And although I give a lot of credit to my counselor I have another Counselor that deserves it all! ❤️
Sometimes life hits you hard and then before you know it, there’s another wave crashing, each breath, enveloping that hope… and then down again… until you might come up and bob for a while and feel like it’s OK. The sun is shining for a moment and then out of nowhere..you’re literally sucked back under from a wild current tossing and turning, no gravity in your center, no breath, no air. Up again, but completely depleted.
Is it waves of grief or seasons or both?
The cyclical cycles of science and nature , and time are intwined.
It’s almost one year to my brothers death and I feel like a geyser…
I’ve seeped out, very randomly, some deep emotions, but feel like I’ve never really grieved him like I “should have”.
I don’t know if there’s a normalcy to grief and I hate for anyone to put words to that because I feels like I should be grieving a certain way, but I do think there was a Protection.
When my brother died, I had to take care of my mom. I had to take care of his funeral. I had to take care of the lawyer litigations and his “estate”. It was a part time, if not full-time job, with a lot of emotional baggage involved, but I believe now, that it was, maybe, a protection for me, because I possibly could not have handled the amount of grief I would’ve felt had I not had that distraction of the details of dealing with all of that.
This is really hard for me to say, because dealing with all of that… I kind of resent it. But I’m starting to be thankful for it and I’m starting to see God in the big picture.
I’m starting to see His hand in it and Him knowing specifically who I am as a person and starting to see His protection on me and I think that if we all can look at our lives and see His protection through things, it will help us accept our circumstances more and see His love for us and that’s what’s absolutely most important! I hope you can you see this in your your life in some way more clearly through you’re trials! ❤️
He unexpectedly passed, four weeks ago. Wow, I simply can’t believe it’s been four weeks, it seems like one.
I called them my Spooners.
Often, I would walk into the room and they would be laying in their bed literally spooning each other. They loved each other, deeply and physically, to the very end.
Other times, I would walk in, they would be sitting in their chairs, right next to each other and most often, I couldn’t get a word in, because all they could do was interupt, each and every conversation, in order to give each other a compliment!
I guess this is what happens when you get to the end.
You start to see everything, much more clearly, and all you want to do is to tell someone, anyone, that that person means so much to you.
Today I was able to intercept her meal from the kitchen, only because of the most gracious and understanding kitchen workers. (There’s a rhyme and rhythm to feeding 40 people at one time, let me tell you!).
So, throwing a cog in the wheel, I requested it, yet, only because I knew that it would matter.
I grabbed her meal tray, entered her room, sat in her late husbands chair, of course never presumptuous (as she has expressed, “that it would be nothing but a huge blessing!”).
I simply sat with her, prayed beforehand, at her request, ate a meal, conversed, and then… I was the one blessed with her very long prayer, to end her evening! 😉❤️
She had had visitors today and although she was exhausted from just that, she was also so incredibly thankful for her family!
Many do not even get one visitor and we joked about how over-loved she is!
And yet all I can say is that….
….it is all of these little things that ultimately add up.
Yes, it is the visits, yes it is the person that is filling, the oh so canyon void, along with so much more.
However, may we never forget the little things that we do and at the same time understand that’s it’s not all on us!
It’s takes a village.
When we all play our part, everything flows like a well-oiled machine, even in the midst of the utmost grief.
Never underestimate your own role or underestimate the role of others. ❤️
My favorite sight when I arrived on his doorstep was him greeting me with his giant smile!
This man was absolutely the closest thing to Christ I have ever known, or known was possible!
If there’s a thing called pre-grieving, I did it. I can’t count the times that I told him that I could not handle ‘the day’. The day that the Lord would take him and proceeded to involuntary sob in front of him. Of course, he reassured me that because of the faith we have, we will see each other again.
I never thought I would be able to handle it, but in hindsight, he knew I could, and he saw my faith and strength.
The worst and best is that he distanced himself from me this last year because, I believe, he knew how hard it would be, we talked less often and I could hear it in his voice. After seven years of sharing our hearts and ministering to each other in ways we both didn’t know we needed, he knew it was best for us both.
He was beyond the wisest man I’ve ever known and the greasiest gift that God has ever given me thus far.
My heart is grieving. My thoughts are about him and tears stream randomly, but I’ve never known such a sacrificial love, such a sacrificial man than this..
His love, was, FOR me. To have known this kind of love is beyond understanding .
To say I’m thankful is beyond words.
What I will remember, is his love for the true gospel message of Christ, first and foremost. But I will never forget how we spoke in ways that most would not understand: through the Christmas cactus blooming, through him showing me the bubbles in the sink making a cross, the unimaginable trials he has been through, the songs he would play, through him reading the old, worn tattered verses on the scroll. And so many other daily things. Often, not needing to be direct, but also at the same time, having such an impact.
I won’t forget that what needed he was extremely particular! His shirts had to be just so and every thing was very methodical! I didn’t mind. ❤️
He loved his flowers and anything and everything about them. He loved, saw and was enthralled with creation. He saw God in it all and it gave him resilience to keep going.
I’ll always remember taking him to the grave of his wife and the talks along the way and the tears and stories. I felt very honored to be in that space.
The abundance of tears I have shed, and yet the healing I was graced with, in those four walls for 7+years, every two weeks while I cleaned for him, are worth more than anything life will ever have to offer me.
I spoke to him just a few weeks ago, and of course he pretended that he was fine, but I knew, I just knew it was the last time we were going to talk. 😢 I told him that he had made more of a difference in my life than anyone I have ever known, I sobbed and sobbed.
He was so happy for where I am, but, of course, put on his brave face and told me that he would see me again..soon.
I knew what he meant.
This is connection. This is a gift. This is God. I can’t imagine the blessings He is finally experiencing after all that he has done behind the scenes for Gods glory! I’m behind ecstatic that he with Jesus: pain free, (physically and emotionally) and rejoicing!
None of us want to characterize ourselves as having a victim mentality, but I truly believe we naturally operate in this mindset more than we would like to believe.
This is not the ‘positivity mandate’ that I’m suggesting.
This is remembering. It goes against our nature but can be overcome with practice.
It’s not stuffing nor is it replacing.
Thankfulness is remembering. Remembering the good.
I have not had what most people would call a normal life. I was brought up with abuse, all around me, of every kind. That is why I believe I can speak to this with integrity.
I believe that whatever the percentages are regarding how much good or bad we’ve had in our life, we all have had more than enough bad, but enough good in our lives to draw strength from.
This is what can allow us to to move forward for our own benefit, and for the benefit of others around us.
I believe negativity and victimization leads to depression and anxiety (*not to discount actual chemical imbalances) however, thankfulness and mindfulness about those things can actually cause a change in the brain and changes in present circumstances.
All of these positive thoughts strewn together can lead us out of the pit of despair at its worst, to a more hopeful or joyful life.
We all have an abundance of past and present moments in this difficult world to build our victim résumé, but what if we turn that around and think the opposite, regardless of how we feel at times?
There’s no possible way I would be where I am today and feel how I feel, without this realization, somehow, forced to acquire, at a much younger age, but it is the very one thing that I treasure most.
I truly hope this is helpful even to just one person. ❤️
always unfinished 