Author: httplesliekay

What would she be doing through this chaos, I ask myself.

She would be sitting in her chair with her glasses down on her nose doing her crossword puzzle with not a care in the world.

With her blue erasable pen, that once she found, she could never live without.

I would be sitting on the floral couch next to her with my tray table in front of me, legs dangling, most likely drawing or writing, with too many thoughts going through my head.

I would glance up more than she ever knew, just to check and make sure that everything was OK.

She was my regulator.

She never knew or maybe she did but I drew everything from her.

When they closed the casket that day I felt every molecule of myself being sucked right out of me.

The single worst moment of my entire life.

She would be 106 this month.

I’m not exactly sure why but I am secretly glad that she would not likely be living today.

I have no idea how I’ve gone this long without her.

I have no idea how many tears I’ve produced connected to losing her.

I have no idea how I’ve made decisions without her.

I have no idea how many times my heart has endured the assaults and whippings of her loss and it is still beating.

I have no idea how I’ve gotten through milestones, success’s or trials w/out her by my side.

I think maybe she was a regulator for the time I needed her and only that.

If only I could see that, but sometimes I am just too human.

I want something tangible to grasp.

But now I know.

I have a new Regulator.

He sent a Replacement.

I can only recognize this because of her example.

And now I am nothing but thankful for the provision…

because without her, where would I be…

Grief begs me to be resentful.

It’s limited to the mantra “it’s not fair”.

It thinks, if I hear that enough, I will believe it, but it does not know the Power that lives in me.

Grief whispers that “nothing will ever be as good”, but it does not know the miracles that I believe in.

Grief taunts me to be bitter but it does not know the depth of my gratefulness.

Grief entices me to do things that it does not know I have the strength to decline.

Grief teaches me to make different/better choices.

Grief, as much as I need(ed) you, you are limited in your ability to know anything but my past.

All I did was pick up your picture -your picture that sits on my ledge, unnoticed, that often gets dusty and instantly I felt the flooding of 7000 questions that I wished you could answer.

I feel like I’m losing you which feels like losing part of me. I want to tell people but how, when I can’t recognize it myself.

If I lose you, I’ll lose me.

But I know, you would have had all the answers, not bc you were perfect but bc you knew me. Bc it was you, YOU, WHO KNEW ME BEST.

You would have answered in the exact way that I needed.

Not that I would’ve understood at the time but now I know I would have later.

I always eventually did, later.

But later is now. So now I know I would absorb everything. I would have hung on every word…

…like I do now to anyone that reminds me of you.

(Quick side note —If you’re reading my blog you’re going to know that as much as I empathize about deep levels of grief, I equally desire growth for you and cannot stop from encouraging you to push you beyond your perspective and if you can’t handle that, I need you to know that I understand that we are all at different places that this is a very touchy subject. We are all very deep vessels. But I will always want what’s best for you!)

We will all experience grief from a small as…

-expecting that rich dark coffee to brew in the pot but the coffee filter folded over and all we got was some very weak substance 🤦🏻‍♀️

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to coworkers or “understudies” not doing their job to our expectations

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to expecting our vehicle to never have a problem or need maintenance

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to a response we were hoping for -oh…to say, for example, like a high percentage of teenagers may do 🤷🏻‍♀️

.

to a lifetime of someone being ripped out, that we envisioned would always be there. 😭

•But what if all these things were meant to lead to greater things if we could just anticipate/view things differently?

•What if we were to learn from every “let down”?

•What if we were to let go of expectation?

*What if that weak coffee taught us to be more careful or get up earlier.

*What if instead of being disappointed in our coworkers we realized how much we have to offer.

*What if instead of being upset and frustrated that our vehicle needs repair we planned for and prepared, even financially for this.

*What if that response taught us of all the possible outcomes and to be prepared to react in love and truth.

*What if that loss taught us to treasure the people we do have and to love them more fervently or at the very least tell them how we really feel about them.

(This is what it has done for me. And that’s how I know it’s possible.)

•There’s nothing we can do In this life to control the things that will grieve us.

We do have a choice to move forward. We can become resentful and bitter, hurtful and reserved or we can set our mind to thinking on the things that we know are true.

– “We KNOW that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

-We can let go of NEGATIVE thinking. All the scenarios where we fall short and fall completely into His arms!

It’s so freeing!

-Open handed, with complete trust in every detail, big or small!

-While I know this is not easy, I can promise you it is far worth the effort required!

He loves you! He does not see you the way you see yourself, at times (or how others see you) it’s just not possible. You are incredible and adored! You have a lot of things to do and see and experience in this world!

Go forth! Believing, trusting and expecting in his great miracles!

“For where your treasure is there will be your heart also”

♥️

•when I get confused •when I get lonely •when i don’t know what to do, I just want her wisdom that I took for granted. -I want to walk in her house and sit down on the worn couch and gaze at her in her chair where I know she would be. •where the carpet is worn from so many sits and difficult standings •where she has all her necessities cluttered on her end table next to her. •where I know time would stop everything for her, for me. •where she would sit and listen until I was done rambling and know what I was saying, without actually saying it. -And no, she wouldn’t be easy on me but she’d always be gentle and usually right/not always what I hoped to hear but always what I needed. —I want to be this for others, bc of her, (but this type of fruit is often delayed).

* She was the strongest woman I’ve ever known*. -She was bold and sometimes brash, confident and serving, determined but most of all loyal and trustworthy.

-Why does He think I don’t need her? Ive realized that I have to trust that, bc I believe HE DOES KNOW WHAT IS BEST. And not just that. He does provide always and exactly what we need when we need it.-THANK YOU Lord, for the time I did have, I WILL trust it was enough, even if I don’t want to. ♥️ gram-I am so happy you got to see who I’ve become bc of you. #aheartsthatsbeenbrokeisaheartthatsbeenloved

Guilt is dangerous. No, it’s deadly. (But worse than death is the life that it suffocates.)

It shows up unannounced and it never wants to leave /doesn’t think it has to/ it’s lazy/ it leeches onto you/ follows you everywhere you go/and interrupts your life into any conversation and when it’s feeling most powerful, it intertwines itself into your thoughts. It literally screams that you are not enough. That you have done something so wrong that can never be forgiven!

Guilt has the strength to literally incapacitate you.

•Creative imagination is it’s super power. •Guilt makes you despise yourself.

It turns you secretly prideful and perpetuates blame onto everyone besides you. •The more root you’ll allow it to take hold, the more strength it gains.

It laughs as you struggle to stay loyal to it/ It craves your awareness of it/ It fears you forgetting it.

You can forget.

I passionately argued, maybe possibly even threw several small tantrums but as I continued to hear this, I started to realize how true it was.

GREIF WILL NEVER END AND IT WILL CHANGE YOU.

You will wake up one day and think you’ll have to try to find that person you were before it.

That person will/can never be found.

And for a long time I didn’t think that was OK.

What is not OK is being stuck there.

I am not by any means saying that anyone should move quickly through grief. We all have our own specific and intricate ways and timelines. These are vital!

—but You KNOW…you WILL know…if you’re stuck.

Take your grief…when you’re ready…and use it!

Use it for yourself and others!

It’s the only way to give back to it what it gave you!

#Hisperfectsovereinty

It requires a lot of pretending, for those of us that have a hole.

Holidays inflame that wound that people try to tell us will heal, at the least… should heal.

And maybe it is, but holidays make it scream.

And we’re not allowed to acknowledge it’s happening.

For all of you with a wound that’s screaming, flaring, deep inside, please know it’s ok to acknowledge that!

But also, while that wound may be screaming for attention, and it is ok to acknowledge it, tend to it, whatever that may be for you, do not let it define you/your day. Both of these things are necessary for growth.

As I get older, there seems to be a bigger portion of grief handed out.

I’m often not sure what to do with all these things but I do know that it’s there for a reason, a good reason, beyond my understanding but that reason cannot consume me.

Tomorrow is a new day with new Hope and new possibilities because there’s an amazing God orchestrating it all!

His mercies are new every morning!

So, for those of you grieving anything, whether it is one day ago, one week ago, or many years ago, my heart is with you.

You got this!

You’re doing well!

Keep going! ♥️

FROM GRIEF TO GRIEF

As pessimistic as that sounds, sometimes I think this is what life is made of.

These are the places we find our center.

These are the places that we find what really matters.

We find perspective.

And although we are angry and upset and hurting and pissed off and feel like life is so unfair, maybe we’re not seeing what grief is really offering us.

Maybe we’re not seeing His perfect plan, that may or may not, in this lifetime, bring us an abundance of joy, peace, happiness or contentedness.

I get so mad at this world and at the same time…

after jumping from grief to grief, I’m so thankful that he has kept me above the water…

where the crickets are chirping, where I can hear the water bubbling, I can see the sunshine, I can find sustenance, I can breathe in the air, I can see his glorious creation and ultimately be reminded how very blessed I am.

Grief is life.

Shall we embrace it?

You taught me everything…

while I didn’t realize,

you were teaching me…

You were making me strong.

~

Did you know all along?

~

Did you, in fact, see?

~

I never appreciated it.

~

I eventually found myself,

but at the cost of losing you…

~

Can I accept this?

I will.

I will trust your lead.

Because of my regrets.

No.

Because of my love,

now complete, with nowhere to go.