I don’t feel like a good mom, honestly, I never have, but I believe that’s the very reason why I am.

I homeschooled 5 children for 18 years.

I cooked and cleaned and poured into them.

I took them to church, every Sunday and often evenings. I obsessed over what they would wear. I skipped the end of my much needed nap and rest to get them up an out the door.

I created scenarios for devotional time.

I bought and planned and organized crafts for their creativity.

I researched and got them them the most educational toys.

I made play dates and sleepovers possible.

I did all the work to make camping vacations a pleasurable experience.

I tended to them when they were sick, in the night, cleaning up vomit on the floor, bandaging wounds and taking temperatures so they felt comforted.

I showed them how to pray, in the later years, exposing and explaining my prayer journal, hoping they would do the same.

I cooked a million meals, specific to their needs 🤦🏻‍♀️.

I attended every sporting event, I made sure they had all their sporting equipment and costumes ready at hand. I gave pep talks before and after and screamed and whistled in their victories!

Yes, these things things are important in the younger years, don’t get me wrong! I’m so proud of you parents with young children fighting daily for what to pour into them, but please remember …

We can check all the boxes.

But what I’ve learned is that all they want is my love.

All they want is me being their cheerleader.

All they want is me believing in them.

All they want is encouragement.

And ultimately, all they want is grace.

They crave the stories of my past. The things I’ve learned from and experienced, stories that they can learn from. They want my brokenness and successes. They want to hear my heart. They want to be able to learn from all of it.

We can check all the boxes, but if we are are too afraid to be transparent and weak and human, they will never learn from us.

This is what I want.

I want to be one of the humans, with a blaring beating heart that is real to them, that they are most influenced by, no matter the cost to me.

Perceived or real.

Usually both.

Although, often perpetuated by an actual reality that is or was operating in your life.

You recognize it because you’ve experienced it and then you can’t help but continue to think and operate this way.

However, not everyone deserves this.

Not everyone should become a victim to your storyline/ habitual thinking or assumptions based on what you’ve experienced.

Yes…

Only you can know.

Only you can decide.

And you should, but consider my thoughts.

I spent too long being controlled by people, my impressions, assumptions and circumstances.

My own perceptions for one, that I thought operated across the board.

And secondly, my realities, that I wasn’t willing to stand up for.

I will have it no more.

It’s destroyed relationships and caused me a lot of pain, wasted energy, grief and frankly losing out on too many moments of life that were meant to be cherished.

So.

now.

I start from zero.

Yes, everyone should be judged according to their actions. But not according or connected to my past understandings and experiences.

-Disconnecting these for me has been the most difficult thing I’ve ever fought for and the most freeing thing I’ve ever experienced.

People deserve better.

I deserve better.

We all deserve a chance for a clean slate.

Because I clearly see now, how I change and grow every day, how I need and desire this gift of grace, how can I not also freely give it?

(And no, I’m not saying that you should ever stay in relationships where control is a dominating factor or where you yourself haven’t learned to disconnect your own assumptions which is unfortunately essentially another form of control)

But please, may we not let our past carry that into our future.

We need people.

We need relationships.

-and while no will ever satisfy that perfectly, search for the humble people, the people willing to grow and admit their faults and continue to do the same for yourself. Turn that mirror back on you. Even if for just a few moments.

The people that have gently taught me this have given me the greatest gift I’ve ever received.

“Love can cover a multitude of sins.”

So, I will find the places that grace is possible and necessary because I would want the same in return.

There are so many other things to our humanness than the physicality and what this sex-crazed society has us all believing.

Don’t get me wrong, sex is beautiful in the correct context.

First, for me, I’ve learned that there’s a very small area between where I feel healthy and confident and where I do not.

I did a 30 day 30 minutes of exercise challenge for myself. This experiment was accountability for me, to see if I could actually get back to that place. Simply that.

I have gotten to that place, but not without failure. And there’s no perfect plan or regimen that can do that.

However, I’ve also learned to accept my body for the things that will likely not change and to understand that there is so much more to me!

God created me with a unique personality, a passion for spiritual things, a love for hurting ppl, an understanding of grace, an insatiable appetite for health, compassion, athleticism, transparency, and many other things that I have yet to discover.

However, I am sad and humbled by what I did see trying to interrupt or operate in my efforts.

Believe me. It’s a lot of what we, as women, think and talk about. It’s simply a battle we will always fight. (Btw- that was a gift for you guys, to hopefully get😉)

Speaking to women, whoever you are, whatever size you are, whatever insecurities you have, you are so much more! These are lies you are ingesting and believing and my hope is that you can see for yourself all that you are, there is not just one aspect of you!

Be you and be all of you!

All that to say,
I am so incredibly thankful for embarking on this journey and what He has revealed to me through it!

I know it’s kind of real talk here but thank you, if you’ve listened and or followed. 😊

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
~Make sure you are checking who your Beholder is. 😊

All my ❤️

honestandbeautifulinsideandout

I was challenged today on my singleness.

I understand I might turn some people off or this could possibly be viewed the way I’m not meaning it to. I do believe neither are wrong. I think maybe we’ve gotten off track a bit.

Although Paul boasts in his singleness, he was given a particular calling in that. And for anyone feeling that call, I would never argue that! Even though, I do believe being called to singleness is more uncommon/rare, if you will.

Being single for several years now, I started to get very comfortable in my world. It was easy to see and say to myself how difficult marriage would be. It was easy to join the singles think-tank, the man-bashing clubs, or the “find yourself” directive.

Yes, as a single, I have luxuries that married ppl do not.

I can do what I want, when I want, w/o having to consider anyone else.

I can eat what I want and when I want.

I can shut out the world if I really desire to.

I can make decisions and spend money on things that only matter to me or my loved ones.

Conversely there are A LOT of things that married people have the luxury of: shared duties, experiences, incomes, companionship, and… yeah, ya know 😉

All that to say,

what I believe, is that God made us for relationship.

His design started with marriage.

Marriage takes incredible sacrifice.

It takes thinking about someone else in every decision you make and that’s not easy.

It takes great humility , large amounts of trust, and embracing trials!

(Disclaimer- never should you ever stay in a marriage where you’re being abused in any way.)

However, marriage was designed for this world. It was designed to exemplify His nature. To show self-sacrifice and reliance on His character.

I believe that too many singles have gotten comfortable or simply not been able to see the value in giving and serving another..

It’s ok. Maybe we have never experienced first hand the way two people can find the joy in sacrificing for one another, despite the difficulties life can bring. Or possibly we have never experienced the joys of being on the receiving end.

To wrap up,

I believe God ordained marriage to showcase His unconditional love to the world and I hope that one day He will bless me with that platform. I’m confident I will not do it well, but I’d love to be given that chance. I’m enthralled with the marriages I’ve seen that fight for this. You are heroes. Your daily strivings are not in vain. Keep on, the best you can! And for singles, no matter your circumstances, please consider the fullness that awaits you! Don’t lose hope and press on with full assurance!

Heaven was made for the all the things we hope for, all the days w/no trials or tears or efforts. This world is not our home but one day, we will be able to let all this go and find complete overwhelming peace and joy without a care, without having to struggle or strive for anything! We will be completely satisfied!

But until then, we are here for one purpose,

one purpose only,

to glorify Him.

Whatever that looks like for each of us.

Maybe you are a father, and don’t feel like a great one or maybe you do.

or maybe you have a father to your children and wish they were different or are so thankful for who they are.

Maybe you have a horrible father and don’t know how to begin to deal with that.

Maybe you have a great father, and fear losing him.

Maybe you lost a loving or judgmental father

Maybe you lost one of these types of father to your children.

Idc who you are, you likely have a lot of feelings associated w/ Father’s Day.

We all have a father,

(but let’s remember, some of us don’t know who our biological father even is.)

My point is that we all feel completely different things on Father’s Day!

Growing up, I had a father that was my hero.

Until I was later in my adult years, when I realized, that according to all things, he maybe wasn’t..

For too long, I shut him out. At a distance of course. It wasn’t until I faced my own depravity, did I realize that he only did the best he could.

Through my own understanding and then difficult actions, moving toward him w/forgiveness preceding and along w/his grace, is how, I believe, that we are now restored to a healthy place.

I am so thankful that he is still here to have this time with him!

I spent this fathers days with my dad. I felt guilty I hadn’t come bearing gifts, but he didn’t care and the connections and laughter we experienced were worth far more than gold to us both!

Whatever you’re facing on Father’s Day,

I’m sorry if it’s hard.

I’m thankful if it’s good.

I understand if it’s a mixture of both.

My heart is with you, grieving, praising or both. ❤️

We can let go.

And-whatever that means for you.

-I’ll be ok now.

-I found my place.

-I always do, (even though it sometimes takes me a minute.)

-Go and really, truly be free.

Live your life to the fullest without any residue.

And thank you…

Thank you for making me strong.

Making me independent.

Helping me see my value.

Allowing grace to be experienced.

If we meet again by chance, I’ll feel a tinge of pain that you didn’t fight for me hard enough and then I’ll probably wonder if I didn’t fight hard enough either.

-We will go on, bc as humans, that’s what we do.

We may even catch a glance when we’re old, through wrinkled eyes and know what we were to each other. And that will have to be enough.

I know it will be, bc His ways are always revealed, whether we like it or not.

It’s not often that I feel this completely.

I get lost in my own head; fears, blaming, desires, assumptions, uncertainty.

To not feel safe/secure can become too familiar.

I clamor to build this within myself. Expecting everyone else to follow suit.

Until I experience it again.

I know intellectually where my safety lies.

In Him.

But it is through others and experiences, where it’s felt.

I can’t live on an island and expect to experience this.

It is through community and being vulnerable that I have found this.

Only through this pathway did I find any type of centeredness.

Only through honesty and transparency -given and received, did the magic of His Power allow me to feel this more fully.

A feeling I know and fight to remember is right where I should be.

And yet, even when I cry out, at the last hour, He is faithful.

There is no time limit to His grace.

It’s always available!

Safe and secure in His arms; only ever through my own humility and transparency.

I’m indebted to His grace. Something I do not deserve and yet somehow, it’s poured out in overflowing measures into my life.

That is when I experience safety and security like I’ve never known possible.

“The grace of our Lord was poured out on me abundantly”

Grief that seems to throw us into a state of confusion.

“But constant is what centers me!” I beg!

But I believe, constant can be found, even in grief.

It doesn’t take me long when I’m willing to recognize it’s value.

Constant.

It’s what I think we all crave.

But what does constant really mean?

Trust.

Safety

Predictability?

It’s not perfection. Who of us immortals can be that? Or attain that in this life?

No, it’s not always predictable or mundane, if you will.

Constant can be disguised as chaos, pain, loss, distrust, etc…

But maybe it’s simple trust.

Trusting in the “unpredictability” that feels unsafe.

This life, circumstances and people can be constant in a way that we may not recognize at the time.

-however, I’m starting to value the constants in my life. The simple pleasures…

The birds still sing.

Trees always grow.

People show up.

Coffee satiates.

Flowers expand.

Life develops.

Laughter fulfills.

Rain sustains crops.

Connections link.

Enlightenment obtained

Hope is renewed.

Habits confessed.

Freedom is found.

The sun will rise.

He stays constant.

He always will.

Constant is where peace is found.

He was and always will be.

Even when I’m not or life isn’t!

My Father always will be!

Surrendering to it, accepting it, is the safest place you can be.

Grief is not linear.

There are so many griefs in life.

Unfortunately we will experience more griefs than we ever anticipated.

This is where the problem lies, not anticipating.

Not knowing…

but how could we have?!

It comes out of nowhere.

Grief is not in our control and yet how we handle it is.

Grief is a familiar friend to me.

Although it surprises me, and it may, for a second, I am not unfamiliar.

“Grief, just when you think you’ve got me, you’ve made me stronger, every single time!”

Thank you.

It’s hard to reconcile what our role was.

What could have been?

What if I had said this or done that?

Or called that day?

What if I would’ve asked more questions?

What if I would have seen what I see now?

Hindsight haunts me.

Tries to tell me lies.

Tries to cloud my mind with what I could’ve done, all the while knowing deep down that there’s NOTHING I could have done.

NOTHING

Accepting I will never fully understand makes me frantic!

I know myself.

I would rather spend my time blaming myself, searching for the answers, because I believe that will feel better than trusting what I do not understand…

…what will not be revealed to me at this time.

I am not God.

But right now, I want to be Him!

more than anything!

…to simply understand.

Is that too much to ask?

And then He whispers…

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,

neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord.

“As the heavens are higher than the earth,

so are my ways higher than your ways

and my thoughts than your thoughts.

(Isaiah 55:8-9)

And then I breathe…

At least for a moment.