In the trenches, we are all ultimately in the trenches, but together. Let us not forget that important part.
Similar struggles connect us. Even if we weren’t physically in them together, we have an understanding that defies the norm. Whether it be loss and grief associated with a child, spouse or someone we dearly loved. •Life circumstances that were beyond understanding. •Abuse or neglect •Addictions, personally or with a loved one. •Fear •A divorce or a difficult marriage. •Relationships that are more than we can handle. •Pride •A child with physical or behavioral issues. •Loneliness •Systems of this world that do not provide the guidance or support we think we deserve. •Control •Depression •Physical ailments •Anxiety
We are all connected in some way.
I will choose to focus on the the connections. Even when some connections are stronger than others. There is and should be no divide. We are all on the same team. We are all human and drawing a line in the sand will never bring healing and understanding.
Division destroys.
I see you. I see what you’ve been through. And I will only ever persevere to focus on the similarities and not the differences.
As soldiers who fought in the trenches, who can never forget what happened, we who will forever be connected, cemented together in many ways, we are the heroes.
Connections are what bind us. May we never be be blinded by our differences. And may we never lose sight of our connectedness.
It’s dark, empty and often lonely, I’m having to feel around and find my way.
But I need to travel your passageways.
You hold all the secrets to my success.
You do your best to blind and distract me from understanding and perspective.
Trying to convince me that without you, I won’t find my way. Without you, nothing better is possible.
I never feel this at the time.
I feel your knee on my throat.
As I crouch down, looking for a crevice of light.
I sense your darkness, clamoring to keep me trapped.
I struggle to envision the next moment, the next breakthrough, the next match, the next inning, the next game.
It takes grit and risk.
It takes belief and hope.
It takes humility and trust.
It takes strength from Somewhere deep within.
But when I am willing to look you square in the face and hear what you’re saying, this is the very moment my hand finds yet another doorknob and click, it releases! All my breath evacuates. I can finally break out into a more abundant place!
I finally see all that I need from you, I slip out from under your control, I find the doorway and I’m gone.
I’m off to my next adventure, that will surely teach me something more. So much more about myself, to keep me going.
Because the only hold you have on me is keeping me in one place, that same place, and I’m too smart for that now.
There is always a way out.
Nothing can hold me in, not even you.
Thank you for being there. I need you to keep me humble, but more importantly to show me what I need to step out into the vast expanse and next encounter awaiting me.
I will always get back up and that’s a guarantee because between you and me, we’ve been here before and we will be here again, even when the corridors get longer or more difficult.
And failure, you can try to convince me that all the doors are locked but we both know the truth.
There’s always an open door.
So let me remind you once again, you’re actually the corridor to my success!
Overly hopeful and excited, I held a delicate fragile leaf, with its pulpy dangling seed, hanging onto its very life.
I gently potted it in rich soil.
All the while, questioning whether my earth-stained hands were pushing too hard or not hard enough.
Invading my every thought was, “would it take root?”
I monitored it daily.
Willing any signs of life.
Tending it.
Talking to it.
Striving to create the perfect environment.
Eventually frustrated, at what seemed like, its lack of growth,
I threw my hands up and let it be.
I let it simply exist.
I took a step back and merely admired it.
Every glance, still bittersweet.
Yet, still beautiful to me.
Exactly how it was.
It was growing, even though, I had no evidence to prove it.
I had been trusting in myself and not in the Gardener.
It needed its own space, its own time.
It needed to experience its own grace.
It needed sunshine and rain.
It needed storms and rainbows, all its own.
And then, it was finally ready to thrive…
…to sprout new life and exemplify that to whoever would see.
I am not the Gardener, but He is.
Whether its’s our own life, a child, a job, or a relationship, we can trust that He is working deep down in the places we can’t see.
The very places we think are working against us, are the corridors where He is working.
He will bring glorious new sprouts of life into your very being, your intimate life, and those around you, if you’re simply willing to trust and believe in this truth!
*He is the Gardener and this is His most important work. 🌱
I was thinking a lot today about being thankful and thinking from a different angle and what I thought was, “what if there was an absence of red in this picture?”
Do we think about what we actually have present and would it be good to think about not having that? What would that look like?
Stick with me here.
There are times we all need to let go, so don’t get me wrong!
However, I’m tired of good guys getting bad raps.
Guys get so much pressure on them in this society, to do it all and have zero flaws.
I’m not taking about what he does ‘for all to see.’
I could care less about performance.
But what is he made of?
What is he doing when no one is looking?
Men are not here to make us happy or fulfill our childhood Disney fantasies.
Believe me, I’ve been there.
Many of us woman have dumped a heavy load onto men that they are not designed to carry.
We are just as guilty of sucking the life out of them to fulfill our unmet needs.
We are individuals, created to live in this world the best we can.
Yes, if you’re married, you have an assignment. A big one that requires effort.
But please look into the mirror first.
Unfortunately we often have some deep needs that we have often not yet been willing to face.
So many of us want the benefits without the work involved.
Major props to the single women who don’t man bash.
It’s not easy, because blaming, manipulating, accusing, grasping, and self victimization comes easy when we don’t want to work on ourselves.
It leads to an emptiness that loneliness doesn’t even know.
I believe, if we were all willing to work on ourselves first there would be a lot less dissension and much more abundance!
-to the married women doing this well! You’ve got my vote! Those of you living your own life in abundance while loving with an unconditional love that requires strength, forethought, confidence and character. Don’t lose that! We all need your example!
But most importantly, married or not, get your cup filled through the only One that knows you intimately. The only one who is solid and constant. Nothing in this world should we place our hope in, besides the Creator. Not money, not intelligence, not education, not a relationship of any kind, not a leader of any type, not a job, not even yourself.
Now go fill yourself with everything present and be abundantly thankful!
First time back to the gym today, due to COVID. It was difficult and so abnormal! But that was nothing compared to the inner-work I’ve been doing that has been kicking my @&$!
You can’t always see inner-work but you can certainly feel it when it happens!
I had no idea how much I was trying to hold, control, fix, blame, or figure out! All the while, worrying, of course😂
All of these things were blocking growth, growth that I didn’t know I was missing and every single one of them was driven by a specific fear. (Interesting and yet so simple.). 🤔
Sometimes we think God is saying “I want this for you” when He is saying “Let go”.
I know, “letting go” is so cliche but like I’ve said before, cliches are cliches for a reason.
The word picture I keep seeing is a big heavy force coming down, smashing through the thick layers of ice, and yep, it hurts like heck at first, but then, it spiderwebs out and releases a ton pressure! I mean, they are called ice breakers for a reason, right?!
All that to say, I encourage anyone, that feels compelled, to get counseling, but get it for yourself. Often people go to counseling hoping to have their problem fixed, to just be heard or often to be validated. While none of these are wrong, our end goal should be for our own growth.
In my opinion, the best counselors are the ones that make us uncomfortable. Allow time to look inward and listen. There’s no time frame and these things are vital to our future!
Lastly, I’ll leave you with a fact; 90% of all counseling is based on forgiveness.
First and foremost, forgiving yourself for the things that you have done to contribute to the pain in other peoples lives and then expressing that to them.
Secondly, forgiving the people that have caused you pain, because if you do not do this, you will become the very person that you were unwilling to forgive.
I’m not sure what this looks like for me from here, pain and struggles are unavoidable but the way they have manifested themselves in my life is already looking a lot different. 🙌🏼 Feeling super thankful❤️
Grief that is laced with adventures to be had, challenges to face, and endless opportunities to give and receive love.
Will I trust all those reasons?
When you were my everything?
And I was yours?
But for a time…
I heard your first gasp of air.
Immediately responsible for your existence.
Concerned at every decision if you were getting enough of everything you needed.
I fought to instill in you an enormous imagination, strong character, an inquisitive nature, but even more so, love—Love that looked different that any other kind.
I observed you.
I tried to learn you but you couldn’t fully be known.
There was too much to you.
But for a time…
I rocked you, read to you, taught you, listened to you: At times, I talked way too much, worried even more, spent sleepless nights begging God to do what I knew I couldn’t.
But for a time…
As you got older, every single talk that we had, changed me and I only hoped it did you also, in some way, that maybe I would never know, but somehow, that had to be enough.
The way we connected through your art and music and how it spurred even more conversations, bonded and grew us both into more of who we were meant to be.
But for a time…
Whether you needed comfort as a crying infant or protection in your rebellious teen years…
I knew it wasn’t me that would come through. I knew it wasn’t me that had all the right words or strategies.
It could only be Him.
What I didn’t realize then was that I only needed to be an example, an imperfect honest humble human of an example of all of the things that I wanted for you.
You were watching.
Ingesting
All my strivings were less potent than my own walk.
You needed to witness traction.
But for a time…
That’s all I know right now.
Everything is for a time.
Nothing is promised.
And yet, goodness absolutely is.
Despite my fluctuating emotions, I will trust in the goodness that is always promised!
The truth is, God has been more than faithful!
So son, it’s time it’s time to let you go and for me to rejoice!
That is what I will do, because I am your momma but more importantly, you were always in His hands, even when I couldn’t see it.
Off you go, or “hit the road Jack” as we have joked!
I’ll be there for you if you need me, but I will never intrude.
I will be a champion to the both of you and only steer you towards truth, the best I can.
I trust you emphatically, despite my own humanness. You have always been a mirror of hope that I could always look into.
Go
Go and be well and love that girl like you loved me.
This is how I know, she, and you, will be just fine. And if I’m being honest, I know, unequivocally, that you two, will be even more than fine!
She is luckiest girl in the whole world!
And you, well… you have been given the finest gift anyone could ever imagine! (Don’t you dare screw this up!)😉
Thanks for always giving me reasons to know that you’d do the same for me❤️
Stirring up past places that contained more than we were cognizant of.
Swelling our heart, automatically causing our head to lift upward with an unforced smile bursting forth, propelling hope into our present moment.
At the same time, laying open our heart, like a throbbing wound, exposed, willing to be assaulted, allowing the pain, to once again, penetrate deeply to the nerve endings, rarely, if ever, sometimes often, ignited.
I say to you, memories, “I will do every thing possible to deflect you and yet I’d die a thousand deaths if you actually left me.”
And then I breathe.
And I find thankfulness.
I find and focus on all the joys and experiences I would of never had. The person I wouldn’t be now, without you.
While I’ll likely never reconcile my relationship with you; you will always be welcome. In fact, I know I’m better when you invade my life, even if I profess differently.
May you never leave and may I always see you, as not only a welcomed friend, but also a teacher, healer and champion; one of expectation, humility and strength.
May I not only gain hope (a feeling) and trust (more difficult) but most importantly, may I also gain growth (an action) from your beautiful intruding mess in my life.
Strong-willed or emotional has such a negative connotation. I know this because I can most relate to this type!
I’m going to speak mostly from first person because it seems more natural but remember, I have also been a parent of this type. (similar types often have the most difficulty in the early years but also teach you the most about yourself!)
Sooo… we strong-willed emotional types feel everything! (Not that other types don’t, they do!) However, it’s the way we manifest that emotion that is different.
For the strong-willed, emotion is like shaking up a glass bottle of soda pop that needs to be released. If we don’t, the fizz will make us angry, flat and dull, essentially lifeless and withdrawn, irritated and our “fizz” will continue to leak out in unhealthy ways.
We need to be able to express. We are most certainly exaggerators because we need to feel and desperately want others to allow us that. We need our emotions to be mirrored! Then we feel a huge release.
Great initial responses would be:
That really sucks!”,
“I can’t believe this is happening!”
“I’m so sorry!”
In the older years, trust us that we will make the best decisions for us and it’s not your responsibility to “fix” us.
Physical activity or a creative outlet, of any kind, is crucial to us.
Get us into sports, outside, dancing, or anything physical! This will help get us out of our emotions and get us grounded.
But most important, are the people that allow us to have our feelings/outbursts and accept/validate them without judgement.
*Being a “regulator” for this type is like heaven on earth!
Being calm when we need to release is crucial.
Allow us to cry, explain, sometimes, in great detail, what we are feeling, and then, if we don’t calm down, just “write the ticket” if necessary. Give the discipline!
We need discipline. We crave guidance and boundaries. We are all over the place and need to be centered. Don’t make the discipline too long! We need to be accepted back into interaction. We learn quickly, but it only needs to hurt for a sec. We need to know what’s acceptable, if we can’t control ourselves.
First, listen without judgement or reaction, stay calm, and a huge bonus would be showing us you have similar thoughts and feelings, be real, share your own struggles, but don’t let us walk all over you, because we will. We don’t know where the lines are.
Years ago, someone told me that this type needs to “stretch the rubber band” but it’s ok. This type will stay within that band, but need to feel around, push and test how far it can be stretched.
I feel kinda weird saying this, but these types are some of my favorite people!
They are most difficult to deal with as toddlers, but it gets better, I promise!
They may seem like followers but they are most certainly leaders and do become that, as they mature.
They know themselves and are extremely confident.
Unfortunately, the world often pushes them away because their emotions can be overwhelming to most people.
In short.
Let them feel and express.
Calmly set the boundary and stick to it.
When they’re older, explain why, quickly and don’t engage in debates.
It’s very difficult in the younger years to have a strong-willed/ emotional child but I promise you that they’ll teach you more patience than you ever wanted to know, you will feel more than you ever thought you needed or wanted to and someday you’ll be so thankful for who they have become and they will be one of the greatest joys in your life!
I was asked to write about this and because I want to share with younger parents what I’ve had the privilege of learning, I reluctantly but enthusiastically will share! *Disclaimer-I can only speak to my personal experience. Please trust your own gut instincts. They are true and right. I wish I would have done this more.
At the same time, remember, a lot of parenting is what we have learned that doesn’t work! You can not know everything and especially when it’s happening. That’s ok! Did you hear me? It’s ok! Somehow, it all works out!
I was going to write about ages and/or stages but I think it’s more important to write about types first. So, why not start with the quiet obedient ones first. (The strong-willed ones often get all the attention.)😉
The quiet ones, they can be a nice reprieve. They can also be a mystery and don’t need a lot of us. While I think this is often true, a little bit goes a long way with this type. Considering that, they should not be overlooked or taken for granted. They need encouragement. They need praise. Sometimes, they need to be pulled into their emotions a bit. Because they don’t express a big range of emotions, they can seem insensitive at times, but don’t assume this about them. (They’re living in their head a lot.)
They need to be encouraged to let loose and maybe even do something crazy.
If they are first borns, make sure they get the privileges of that status: later bedtimes, extra privileges, offered a choice, first. (over the louder one who isn’t afraid to let you know what they want!) 🤪
The first borns often do more work and are required to, without parents even realizing that this is happening. While this can feel rewarding for this type, don’t take it for granted. We don’t want to produce people-pleasing humans. We want to produce well-rounded individuals that will bring that into their own future.
Also remember, there are so many unique variables to each and every child: their personality or their birth order.
I don’t believe we can ever parent or understand them perfectly, (even though I did think this for too long.)🤦🏻♀️
However, there is One that does. There is One that understands them and loves them more than we could ever imagine. The One that created them. And for me, this is where I’ve had to put my trust, open my hand and hold them loosely, knowing that ultimately, it is Him that will carry them through! You’ve got this! If you cared enough to read this, you’ll be just fine😊
What does that even mean anymore? Who is defining normal for us?
It should be us and the people we love.
It’s not hoping for the next like, scrolling into the chasm that never has a loop, knowing the next gossip bit, or even the things that worry us the most: money, children, security, relationships.
The simple moments of laughter, meals, transparency, exercise, reading, routines, and yes, even chores, create a stability for the joyous crazy times that are also necessary.
I know we’re not all parents but I want to speak to that.
The parents, that, no matter what they’re dealing with, still create normalcy and transparency is where I see the most fruit. Taking children to sports practice, regular mealtimes, homework, bedtimes, and conversations. You’re doing a great work!
Single parents, I give you extra kudos. Not everyone gets it. And it’s ok. Keep going. Do your best. God will bless your efforts. He sees them. Even if you lack support. You are amazing!
Ultimately, Its our kids’ hearts that matter.
People that help us create normalcy is where we need to be and stay.
The value of the “mundane” is getting lost.
Let us not lose this!
In my opinion, it is where we find the truest Treasures of this world
always unfinished 