With my grandmother’s loss, I felt an immediate and immense loneliness. Scared was the dominate feeling. Just the absence of her presence (not necessarily physically) was what put me into a state of shaky instability. I didn’t or couldn’t trust anyone or anything and certainly not myself. Nothing felt sure anymore. I had no realization of how much I had counted on her: not for advice, consistently, (because I don’t remember asking that often), not for support, (in the tangible way), not even for emotional support, (directly anyway). She never imposed on my life. She was just constant and steady, comforting and available, loving and self sacrificing, and most certainly, it was by her example that I learned all that I never knew was priceless.

However, if I did, if I needed, I knew it/she was ‘there’. I knew she would be spot on and rock solid, no matter what. Once she left this life, I felt as though someone took me to the edge of a cliff at gun point and said “jump”. I faltered and flailed for what seemed like too long but it wasn’t much later until I realized I could actually fly and eventually, I did and did it very well. I had all that I had needed that I didn’t realize I possessed; most certainly, a large amount, due to her.

My brothers death has been utterly and completely different. I feel like a part of me is vapor. There is a substance to me, a solid, that evaporated as he left. He was just always simply there (not in a negative sense at all). He was astonishingly vibrant and life-giving whoever or whatever places he touched. Woefully, it all just feels so wrong because he should, just be….here: here with me, here with our family and certainly here for others.

But life goes on… and while I am truly grateful at times, I completely utterly resent it. I resent the fact that everyone does their own things and talks about their own things and is concerned with often, only, their own things.

While I’ll never do this as well as I’d like, I want to be that someone that remembers: that asks, that checks in, that sends a simple reminder of remembrance, or sits in the puddle together, maybe even throws a chair or two and screams without judgement.

This is healing.

This, I believe, is the type of love that propels and thrusts us forward, sometimes without us even realizing it, whatever type of grief, loss or struggle we are going through.

I was the recipient of this today. A gift of healing. A gift filled with self-care indulgences and a hand written card that filled my soul to overflowing. Forever I’ll be thankful and I’ll never be able to forget.

Whatever grief, loss or struggle you are experiencing I hope you have someone, even just one, that does, any one of these, for you.

I also hope that we can remember those, that at times, need us to be that healing balm. Together, if each one of us would make even one small simple gesture, collectively, it could make a huge impact.

Who might you reach out to today in a way that won’t cost you anything but the joy of knowing that you made a difference? The greatest joy of all. ❤️

I hope my writing has some minute impact or inspired you in any way. Thank you for reading! ☺️

“For the least of these…“ Matthew 25:40