It’s never that I don’t want to…

don’t want to reach out,

don’t want to be there,

don’t want to feel normal,

or connected,

or helpful…

When my mind is not overtaken, these all feel right.

Normally, the moment I am alone, my thought world spirals into places that won’t stop. One thought overlapping the other before I am even conscious of the next. It’s a never ending chasim of corridors evoking fear, paralyzing me.

I told a friend this and they were like, “honey, that’s not normal”. 🥴

When I’m “forced” or motivated to be busy with my hands or my head, it’s all gone for a moment.

And I feel a release.

This is one of the reasons why I write, why I need exercise, why I try to keep myself busy, why I create.

But the moment I have an open doorway, it comes in like a hurricane.

I close up like an old rickety shut down cabin in the woods where not much can get to me.

Anxiety is torment to those to who are unfamiliar.

It’s a hidden illness.

It can be healed, with time and love and space and consistency, with people who are gentle, grace-filled and un-intruding, but yet, never too much.

I still desperately need my faithful steady companions. Its a razors edge for those trying to navigate this with us.

Something I’m learning; There’s a big difference between rational and irrational fear.

Sometimes we do have life circumstances that cause us to have rational fear.

But rational fear is specific and constructive.

Irrational fear debilitates us.

I’m doing my best to be cognizant of the difference.

I’m not sure I’ll ever be cured but what I do know is that I am making progress. And that’s enough for me.

Today, that’s enough for me.

Today is all we are promised.

I have a long way to go yet, but acknowledging this is a huge step in my journey.

Reaching out, even though at times it feels likes the floor is falling beneath me, is sometimes the only place I feel any progress, but often can’t even do.

We are all deep vessels, never able to be fully known except from the One who created us.

However, the moment I take the time to learn myself, and then have the guts to share that, I actually drop a weight that I didn’t realize I was holding and it opens up a world to be able to understand the ones I love that much more. It’s become a double bonus!

It took me a long time to be able to recognize this but it’s been freeing to see it and acknowledge it.

If this strikes a cord, you’re not alone.

Mental health is something that we are just starting to acknowledge as a society and when our voice is heard, things happen!

Keep supporting and keep speaking your truth to those you trust.

Anything in the dark that gets exposed to the Light is everything that the devil wants hidden to keep us down and everything good that our God wants exposed, to free us from and He will, in His time. Be patient with yourself. Give yourself a lot of grace, but never stop fighting. ❤️

#mentalillness #anxiety #worry #healing #ifjustone