What would she be doing through this chaos, I ask myself.

She would be sitting in her chair with her glasses down on her nose doing her crossword puzzle with not a care in the world.

With her blue erasable pen, that once she found, she could never live without.

I would be sitting on the floral couch next to her with my tray table in front of me, legs dangling, most likely drawing or writing, with too many thoughts going through my head.

I would glance up more than she ever knew, just to check and make sure that everything was OK.

She was my regulator.

She never knew or maybe she did but I drew everything from her.

When they closed the casket that day I felt every molecule of myself being sucked right out of me.

The single worst moment of my entire life.

She would be 106 this month.

I’m not exactly sure why but I am secretly glad that she would not likely be living today.

I have no idea how I’ve gone this long without her.

I have no idea how many tears I’ve produced connected to losing her.

I have no idea how I’ve made decisions without her.

I have no idea how many times my heart has endured the assaults and whippings of her loss and it is still beating.

I have no idea how I’ve gotten through milestones, success’s or trials w/out her by my side.

I think maybe she was a regulator for the time I needed her and only that.

If only I could see that, but sometimes I am just too human.

I want something tangible to grasp.

But now I know.

I have a new Regulator.

He sent a Replacement.

I can only recognize this because of her example.

And now I am nothing but thankful for the provision…

because without her, where would I be…