we are told we have it

it’s accessible to us if we just grab it

hang onto it.

Like it’s no big deal just do it. Just take it.

It’s like everything else I want. I want it so badly,  I know I can’t live without it.  I’m not supposed to take my eyes off it yet I’m distracted and allured by so many many things

I know it’s what will fill my heart

what will steady me

but I just keep spinning and spinning and spinning   Once in a while I catch a glimpse of it

Very briefly, so very briefly the blurring softens and I see that its there. I actually KNOW that it’s there

This happens only when I seem to exert the most amount of strength possible to slow the force of my own self-destruction that keeps me spinning.

Pain

…that’s what gives me the strength to reverse the oh so powerful centrifical force that keeps me so self focused.

So self absorbed.

Are we all spinning round and round or is it just me? Why does it seems everyone else is

steadied

secure

and I cannot seem to grab hold of anything..

the evil one reminds me how weak I am.

Sometimes , mostly

I can only hear his voice. Telling me I’ll never stop. It’s laws of nature he says. No one will help you.

They’ll just leave you on the shelf. Like a toy they no longer take pleasure in.

I’ll just sit there and spin forever endlessly.

How do I stop? Will I ever be able to without some other intervention outside of myself?

I’m told in this life I will never be completely steadied. But also that I can be.

I don’t know what this looks like.

How do we grab it, stay focused on it, changed by it? one minute, sometimes just for a second, it’s there and real and sure

the next minute it’s gone and I’m spinning again. I feel myself starting to build that force up and things getting blurry and deep down I know I’m heading backwards to the dizzying the frantic place.

But I can’t seem to reverse it.

In those seconds I feel it.

it’s like the sun. shining so bright!

…and yet

with in a moment the clouds start rolling in again

darkness- here it comes again. i know it’s still there. The sun.

It’s there behind the darkness.

how do i suck in the rays how do I  call it to come out to me how do i grasp it

I know if I really do grasp it I’ll hang on and never let go but I cant ever actually get a good grip.

it’s like a flame ever sustaining me,

We are told

it never goes out

but we can never control it can never completely let it be all of us..

it’s right there they say. I see it. but how do i jump into it?

how do i merge myself into it

I want to. I know it’s what I need.

It burns to come to a hault. There’s friction that burns so badly. It fights with the desire to stop spinning, to find the hope again. To see it clearly

Oh if I could just flip the switch to whatever is spinning me, but there’s too many switches, and there’s only one combination that would shut down the system. I try every combination, every formula, I lose track of my failed attempts,

I start over and it seems like an eternity before I’ll ever find victory, if I even ever will.

I am definitely more unsure of that happening. And yet I’m not.

Do I frantically keep trying,

Lost in my mind,

Always lost in my own head

I can fool myself for a bit and then I can’t anymore, I know myself too well now.

I know how this goes.

But there’s someone coming, someone that has the answer key,

Right? I know this.

but when.

When will he arrive because Im afraid to even say that im realizing that I can’t save myself.

And that scares me more than trying.

I am terrified if I quit searching

striving

if I quit thinking,  I’ll completely self destruct.

So I just hang on. Every second sometimes I just hang on.

Something must be holding me because I know I shouldn’t even have this much strength. I know I should’ve self-destructived long before.

So is that all I need to focus on?

THAT reality?

that there’s a strength coming from somewhere

I don’t fully or even understand where the power source is coming from but I DO.

And for some reason I’m still here. Even if it’s only in my head.

The failures, the constant failures, the endless hypotheses

procedures

failures

and back to the drawing board

How many times over and over and over

failures …

if I could not focus on the failures

If I could just step back and see the big picture but I can’t i’m going mad in my mind. Oh to stop being driven by my desire for the answer,

all the answers

to give the answer to everyone’s combination

to help everyone else,

the pride

but is it or is that love

is it sacrifice

or is it foolish of me to think I can save anyone else let alone myself.

He is coming.

I know He is coming.